Ex - Sarkari Babu

From today onwards, I no longer am the ‘sarkari babu’. A title which I accepted first with reluctance, then with frustration, followed by the understanding of its importance, then with responsibility and finally with a lot of pride.

Even though I come from a family of government officers, I never ever wanted to be one. The idea of going to a same place, doing the same work, meeting the same people everyday never appealed to me. But somehow, I landed one for myself. Within a span of a year, I tried to get out of it. And trust me, I tried really hard.

But as they say, life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. And before I realized, it was around eight years of working in a government office.

They say your first job teaches you the most. I learnt too. I learnt that it is easiest to blame the government when you are on the other side of the table. 

I learnt that it is not that easy for an outsider to understand why things happen in a certain way in a government office. I learnt that being a government officer came with a lot of responsibility towards your country. I learnt that even though you are a smallest part of the government machinery, you can contribute if you want to.

I also learnt that going to a same place everyday could bring a lot of stability. I learnt that doing the same work everyday could become your forte. I learnt that meeting same people everyday could be comforting.

I don’t remember when did I change from being somebody who never wanted to be a government officer to somebody who started defending when people blamed government for everything.

Every workplace has its own pros and cons. This one had too. But as I leave today, I leave with warm friendships, lessons and learnings that will last a lifetime and times that will be etched in memory forever.

~ From an ex - Sarkari babu (Just felt like calling that myself one last time)

A step toward the 'new' me

It was the monsoon of July 2012. Outside, it was pouring and so was my heart. It was bleeding actually. Somebody very dear, somebody who used to be my emotional anchor had backstabbed leaving me cold and blue. You sometimes get so attached to people and are so blinded by their presence in your life, that you can hardly reckon with a situation of them going away. It's as if you have never imagined life without them. You are so sure of their lifelong company that when they actually leave, the first reaction is shock, followed by denial and then comes the all encompassing sadness. The phase where you are literally lost in your life. The phase where thinking about living life without them, about getting up every day and doing the mundane tasks of even continuing life seem like a burden. And you have done everything to pull yourself together but in vain. I had done the same but nothing seemed to help.

A friend seeing my state of mind asked me to get some change saying that it should help me get out of the vicious cycle I had gotten myself into. Somehow her words stuck to my heart. I decided to get a place of my own and start living independently. Coming from a family where the mother gets anxious when you are late even for a few minutes, convincing them to let me go live in another city all alone was going to be a herculean task. Now I stay in one city and travel for three hours every day to reach my office to another. That is another herculean task I used to put up with. 

When I first broke the news that I wanted to go and stay alone, there was complete mayhem around. And the situation went from complete mayhem, to anxiety, to seeking the reason behind this bold step, to convincing me to change my decision, to coaxing and even emotional blackmail at some level. But I guess there was something inside me that was craving for change and hence I stood firm. 

Reluctantly, they agreed. After numerous trips for finding a proper rented accommodation agreeable to all the family members, a two bedroom flat was zeroed down upon. The formalities for renting the accommodation were completed and I moved into what can be called my first stint away from the protected atmosphere of my family where I have lived all my life.

I spent the most wonderful six months of my life in that rented place. Managing the entire house, cooking, cleaning and other stuff gave me a new thrill. The anxiety whether I would be able to live alone and manage things on my own was replaced by the confidence that all you need is the belief in yourself to overcome all the fears inside you. Going from a complete emotional wreck because of the sudden loss of somebody very near to living alone in a new city on my own was a journey I will cherish. 

Of course the journey was laden with outbursts; of course there were times when I completely broke down on smallest of the things like burning a chapatti while cooking thinking about my non capability to do anything on my own. But things changed. I changed. And at the end of six months, I emerged as a new person. The bold decision of leaving my family and staying on my own in the midst of complete emotional breakdown paid off amazingly and I am glad I had the courage to take that step and #StartANewLife.

This is my official post inspired by Housing.com - #StartANewLife.

Check the official page at https://housing.com/

Missing her :(

We all have friends. Different types. Some of them work their magic like those sleep inducing drugs that drown you slowly in their friendship and gradually the beauty of friendship overtakes your life. And then, there are some like booze. You are high. But if have them around you for a longer period of time, you risk being addicted to them.

J. belonged to the second category. Together, we were a madhouse. We didn’t get along like a house of fire; we got along like a City on fire (if there is something like that). Yes, it was this amazing. Instantly liking each other, instantly developing a rapport, instantly falling into the pattern of understanding the other person’s insanities equally well, coz you are like that too.  

I met her at my office. I still remember the day we first met. She had joined a little later than my batch and had come to meet me. I came out and she said, ‘Wow, you are wearing red, you look really nice, it really suits you’. And that was the beginning of an amazing friendship, which I never thought would go such a long way. For her small 8 month stint at my current office, the fun we had was unimaginable. Gladly, the friendship continued even after she left for greener pastures for which I still sulk at her.

Right from talking about clothes, to make-up to boyfriends, to 'ahem-ahem' to movies to books to restaurants, we have shared it all. From gossiping to bitching, to ranting or just being there for each other without judging, we have done it all. The best part about us was always being in-the-moment. Always talking about the ‘Now’. About what fun thing we are doing, about what new place we have visited and such stuff. It was always about present. Always. Future? Who cared ??

She got married and has now become a 'Non-reliable' Indian in the U. S. of A. I thought her settling there would affect us and this long distance would take a toll on our friendship. Surprisingly that hasn’t been the case. We have been talking even more often now. Which means her poor husband is paying for our telephone bills :P And boy, what have we been talking about? Or what have not we talked about? Right from her finding her new apartment, setting up her home, shopping (obviously), her new friends, her New York trip, if she faced racism and God knows what not.

Some time back she started thinking about Future. Yes, Future! Something that we never talked about before. And her one such talk almost pushed me to the edge of a nervous breakdown. Babies !! Yes, she was talking about having babies :0 I know it might be ‘the’ thing that every married couple thinks about, but discussing baby plans and that too us? The most fun-thinking, fun-having friends, talking about babies! The poor unmarried me could do nothing but nod.

There she was, my fun loving, never serious J. talking so maturely about having babies and bringing them up and why it’s the right age to do some things. And me, sitting scared under the table thinking about the horror of losing my awesome friend to a whiny mummy.

The next few days, I spent musing (read scared) over this. And the next time she called me up, I told her about the horror I have been going through. And she laughed! And boy, she laughed. I even thought about telling her to wait for me to get married. I mean, we done so many things together, you see. Yeah, yeah I know that was a little too much.

But while all this, I was thinking, how we change as people from time to time. The fun loving in-the-moment people change to future-oriented mature talking people. That’s just one example. I am sure most of you would have changed yourselves or seen people around you change. For good or for bad. And I know, it’s said that ‘Change is good’ and ‘Change is the only thing that is constant’ and other such blah blah but isn’t regularity somewhat comforting. I mean, knowing that people you know, people you love would remain the same always. Because then you know which people you should hang on since they would remain the same forever. The good ones would always be good. Then, you also know that you need to chuck the negative ones from your life because they would stay the same as well. I know it’s not really possible L

Nevertheless, after horrifying me with her ‘baby’ talk and knowing its effect on me, the older madhouse friend seems to be back. Calling me in the middle of the night, totally drunk and there we were, talking away gibberish as we always do! Sigh ! The small things ! The ones that make her smile! And the ones that make me too!!    

  

P.S. - J, I am missing you like hell L

X'ed out : Haiku

X’ed out

changes within

alas, blame transferred on me

for your altered feelings

P.S. – X’ed out means something formerly important that is no longer significant.

This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge 2014. I am doing two posts for every alphabet. The Non-themed posts can be found here.