I - Impending Sense of Loss

She:	It's high time you recover
He:	From?
She:	From whatever that you are mourning
He:	I am sorry if I sound cruel. But you haven't lost anybody and I hope you never do. But you might never understand what I go through everyday. It's cruel, you know, to survive without somebody that meant the world to you.
She:	You know there is something much more crushing than the actual loss itself?
He:	And what would that be?
She:	The impending sense of loss
He:	Really now?
She:	Yes. The feeling of something precious slipping away from your hands. Claustrophobic. Helpless. Like you are drowning and now you are getting tired of struggling to stay afloat and the panic that hits you the exact moment when you feel lack of air for the first time. When your loved one is battling terminal illness, a dying relationship, an-about-to-break friendship, an unnamed bond that you had grown emotionally dependent upon going sour. Nothing is lost yet, but everything isn't the same either. Impending sense of loss. Hard hitting. You see the suffering in the eyes of the people, their difficulty in being with you and you want to set them free too but you just can't. Because you don't want to. Because you are torn. Between your own reasons to keep them with you and the relief of seeing them free. Like an invisible burden on your soul. The possibilities floating inside your head. The what ifs. The imaginary scenarios of everything going back to the way it was before. And then the realization that they are just what you thought them to be – imaginary scenarios. Like you have started walking on a bridge and just when you have reached the exact centre, that's when you realize that its oh-not-so-sturdy. And then you know that there is no way out because you cannot go back and cannot risk going ahead too. That's when you realize the meaning of the word 'stuck'. Stuck in a quagmire of not the loss but the impending sense of loss. This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge - 2015

Indecisive

Two edges pulling me apart

Insurgence of mayhem within this heart

Incertitude all around

With helplessness I am bound

Like a flame on last few drops of oil

My belief flickers in its own turmoil

Reality engulfed in its full-blown darkness

Bit by bit desiccating all of my strength

A tug from this side, a tug from there

Stuck in a quagmire in the middle of nowhere

Keep holding on to my intractable faith

Or should I become pliant for kin’s sake

That thing on the left, should it be heard

Or should the grey matter be allowed to have the final word

Articulate in my thoughts I haven’t been since long

Floating on thin ice, I ain’t looking oh-so-strong...!

 

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