Addictions

People warn you against addictions. You hear your well-meaning friends say, ‘Oh you can have everything in moderation. Just make sure you don’t get addicted to it.’ Parents are on the lookout for saving their children from any kind of addiction. Alcohol, smoking, drugs – the dangerous words.  Precisely, because these things suck life out of you, gradually making you dependent on them. 

But there is something even more dangerous than these addictions.  Addiction of people. Why do we never get warned about 'addiction' of some such people in our lives? The ones who matter to you, the ones who fall in love with you, the ones you have 3 a.m. conversations with, the ones you sin with, the ones who warm up your hearts, the ones who don’t judge you for drinking vodka straight from the bottle in December, the ones who become your muses and much more. These are the ones you start getting dependent on. For your emotional needs. The needs of your soul. Something that your body doesn’t even notice. But the soul? The soul does.

The soul craves for these addictions when they leave you. Or when you leave them after realizing that you are addicted to them. Because you know these people aren’t good for you. Because you know they have the power over you. Because you can’t have them forever in your life. Because they aren’t for yours to keep. Because you can love them but never be loved in return. Because they are a part of your journey but not a part of your destination.   

Just like the physical symptoms of materialistic addictions, there are symptoms of ‘people’ addictions. The cravings. The cravings that leaves you empty, anxious, bruised. The cravings that sometimes make you cold. Towards everything. Mute the noise. Around you. Though the same cannot be said about the noise inside.

Your soul wants them back. Those addictions. You almost reach out. Again. Stopping yourself just in time. Realization. That though they give you a high by making you delve deeper in yourself, you know they are exhausting you. Though they build your imagination, you know they are wrecking you. Though they bring in heightened sense of emotions, you know they are making you numb somewhere.

Isn’t it is much better to get addicted to those materialistic addictions. Those materialistic addictions merely spoil your body. But the addiction of 'people'? The addiction of people damages your soul. The kind of damage that is worse than an ailing body. Because the body can heal. But the soul? The soul does not. 

Last day of the month

I really like the last day of the month. Apart from the obvious fact that the next day gives the much needed oxygen to my dying bank account, I also like this day because every month, we witness emotions. In their rawest form. Let me tell you how.

 

Every last day of the month, a function is held by my organization for the retiring employees without fail. Entire organization gathers in the auditorium without fail to bid farewell to the retiring employee, irrespective of the class or cadre they belong to. It is a formal function where details such as credentials of the employee, his service time with the organization, what places he was posted and in which departments he worked etc. are read out while handing out the customary mementos to them.

But what makes this day special to me is the reaction of the retiring employee. Being a government organization, these people have worked with the organization for atleast a couple of decades to say the least. Decades. In the same organization. With the same people.

While they are on service, some are sincere, others frivolous, some boring, others chatty, strict or lenient, some brood in quietude, others whine in open.

But on their last day, they are nothing but emotional. Some cry openly, others hide their tears in their silence. Those few minutes on stage tear down all the facades they have been holding all through their service life. And what you witness is emotions in their rawest form. The way most of them break down when an auditorium full of employees from every cadre applauds their years of service. Most of them, unable to speak anything, being too full of emotions, with lumps in throats when asked to describe their journey.  

Decades. In the same organization. With the same people. Colleagues who turned into friends and formed strong bonds like family. Arguments with some, jokes around others. Experiences. Good, bad and others. Moments – embarrassing and proud ones. I think all these would be flashing in front of their eyes. And I guess those small moments flow down from their eyes. Without hesitation. With gratitude.

That moment. To witness that moment from this side of the stage is anything but a humbling experience. 

The Beauty of Friendship

You hadn’t messaged

I hadn’t too

Because I always called

Never did you

I was supposed to be angry

Behave all haughty

And tell you I am busy

But today when I heard you

Amidst all the noise

It was as if I had no choice

Stories and instances found themselves a voice

Now I am angry with myself

For not showing it to you

And wonder why my anger

Around you takes a dip

But then I guess

That’s what they call

The beauty of friendship

Shadows - The Oddquain

how

and why do

shadows of past ghosts

follow though we have dissolved

ages

ago in murky waters

of flaring egos

our ashes

rot

Written for B&P Shadorma and Beyond –The Oddquain

Oddquain Butterfly – a nine-line stanza with 1-3-5-7-1-7-5-3-1 syllables

Goodbye - Haiku

as my insides break

awaiting moment apt, to

bid final goodbye

Written for Carpe Diem -  On The Trail With Basho Encore #14 "falling willowleaves"