In a heartbeat

‘In a heartbeat.’ A voice reverberated in my ears as he tried to push his hands inside my dress. I could feel his warm breath as he nuzzled my neck. I closed my eyes.

‘In a heartbeat’ - an echo.

*Jolt*

His lips were on mine, hands caressing my hair. My eyes closed again. ‘Being around you is like walking on a double edged sword. You know me, without me saying much. That makes me feel vulnerable. Raw. You read me. Sometimes I am afraid to even think in front of you fearing you would read my thoughts. And I reprimand myself into staying away from you. But then, isn’t it wonderful to have at least one person in the world who understands without saying? That’s why you are the double edged sword’. My own words, coming from a lifetime ago that I had said to somebody.

*Jolt*

 ‘All good?’ Rohan asked looking at me intently.

‘Yes’ I replied, running my fingers in his hair and pulling him closer to me.

Respond. I told myself. The body obeyed. While the heart sat there wearing a look swinging between sarcasm and disdain. I felt like a leaf that had detached from its tree and continued to sway in the direction the wind took it. I continued functioning the way I was supposed to. Work. Cook. Travel. Laugh. Like a functioning adult. The leaf missed its tree and I missed my soul.

‘In a heartbeat’. A voice. And then a jolt.

I felt my dress being removed over my head. His hands on an exploration spree. I tried to close my eyes and concentrate on reality. Although it felt as if I was seeing everything from a glass case as a third person. Refusing to feel anything and let anything affect me. Because I was inside that glass case. Nobody could see through it. Except that somebody. ‘In a heartbeat’ - that somebody had said. That somebody with whom I shared my brokenness and whatever little wholeness was left inside me. That somebody who was my best friend but who had a best friend which wasn’t me.  

*Jolt*

He entered. I sighed. Mind fogged up and numbness took over. In the heart. The body responded though. He was happy seeing the body respond. Because he never noticed anything else. I don’t know how much time passed. The only thing that burned my ears throughout was a voice and his words.    

Rohan slept with his breath on my naked back and I lay awake with my thoughts. I had no clue how and why did I get into this relationship. But could you call it a relationship when the only thing both of you shared was the bed? When neither he nor you cared what you were going through? I tried to sleep.

‘If I was with you, would you have found out that I wasn’t feeling anything; that my heart wasn’t into it? I had asked somebody after telling him how empty I felt after I was touched by Rohan the first time and every time after that.

‘In a heartbeat’, he had said looking straight into my eyes in a voice that had haunted me since then. The sword put a gash where it hurt the most, where it was going to hurt the most. That was the last time I saw him.

- Posted for Prompt Nights: Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction. – Where we can opt to write either a poem on truth or create a fiction piece. Or perhaps we can combine both! 
- A Week For Writing - Longings

Will you be my tomb?

Blue like my thoughts

Deep like my remorse

Your incessant roar

Like my emotions gone hoarse

Cold like my heart

Vast like my delusions  

Your recurrent crashing waves

Like my imminent apprehensions

Hollow like my chest

Wild like my fears

Your bottomless water

Like my salty grey tears

Dear Ocean,

Engulf me like wildfire

Will you be my tomb?

I seem to be tired

Let me rest in your womb!

For The Tuesday Platform at Real Toads

Courage

Drawn into him

Day and night

Attraction, attention, temptation

He was mine

Insides would glow

On the sight of him

In his glorified togetherness  

I would begin to swim

Jealousy took over

When he talked about her

That he seemed happy

Was the only succour

Oh, the suffering,

This heart endured

It does take courage to love

What isn’t meant to be yours!

Written for  Poets United Midweek Motif ~ Courage

Tales of 2015

Is it the New Year already?

2015, Oh you went by in a jiffy

Dealing one day at a time

I don't know where was I so busy?

The above lines pretty much repeat the same story every year. I guess for most of us. As the calendar changes, we wonder where our year went by. That’s when we sit and count. The blessings and learnings. So here goes my review for this year.

Dear 2015,

You will always be special to me. You were a year of many firsts. Good and bad both. A year that will remain etched in my memory for the longest time. Hence this post. So that I don’t forget the details. Ever. I will look back at you will fondness and remorse both at the same time. You gave me a few things and took away a few more. Here we go.

Getting fit - The Highest High:

I have never been more fit in my life than what I have been in 2015. A first in my entire life. Fitness got inculcated in my routine and its effects showed on my body. And boy, the way it showed! Imagine achieving a target that is on your mind since forever. I picked up a workout and diet routine under correct guidance and stuck to it. Gladly. For the first time in my life, I started with a workout (Kickboxing to be precise. Learnt it from The Kickboxing Studio. Trust me, they are good) and I have loved every minute of it. This has been the only form of workout I stuck to for such a long time. Getting fitter was the highest high of the year and I hope to carry it not just in this New Year but for a lifetime.   

A new abode:

2015 gave me a new home. The one that I am loving to the bits. We shifted to our new place in April this year with sheer chaos and confusion around. I had lived all my life at one place and then one day we were suddenly leaving it. Okay, my family had planned this move but when time actually came, memories found their way of holding us back. Oh and Murphy’s Law too. A lot of things went out of control during the shifting process. We bickered. We argued. We fought. About things to be bought and places to keep those things. Nevertheless, the sweat and tears and anger was all worth it in the end. Shifting to this new place was one of the best decisions for us. As I said, I am in love with my new home. The only set back was the ‘distance’ created between some friends because of the distance between the old and the new home.  

Making peace with the past:

Some years ago, I had lost my best friend to misunderstandings. We never met all these years. 2015 created circumstances when we were face to face again. And again. And it was nothing but awkward. But things got better. We started talking again. We are still not what we were but at least we are getting back. I had an angst inside me all these years against this friend. But 2015 taught me the ability to make peace with the past. It taught me that we will never find people that are good for us in all circumstances but everyone has something good in them and we need to find that.

Blogging - A little less:

Blogging was one arena where I was slow in 2015. Somehow I didn’t blog too much this year. The only high in terms of blogging was the month of April where I completed the A to Z challenge for the second consecutive year. ‘Conversations’ was my theme for the year. And it was special. Because in most of the posts, one of the lines was the actual conversation I had with somebody. Of course, the story around it was fictionally woven to accommodate the conversation. But this challenge will always remain close to me. Other than that, I have no clue why I couldn’t blog. I hope I can take up blogging with much more gusto in the New Year.

Although, I did write for myself much more this year. Posts that didn’t go on the blog but sit comfortably in the ‘special’ folder. I don’t know if I would ever want to share them with the world. I hope I do it. Someday.

Reuniting

Every college group has the same story where everyone promises to stay in touch after college. You do keep in touch for a couple of months and slowly things start drifting. That is when you start realizing life is much harder than what you thought it would be in college. The phone calls get converted to missed calls you cannot pick up during meetings, the dinners are given a miss because of the travel schedules and the promises to stay in touch are fulfilled only during alumni meets. Our group was no different for five years. But something changed in 2015. We met up. Again and again and again. Spouses got added to the group and I got to know some more wonderful women. And meeting this group made me realize how much fun I had missed after college and how comfortable I can be with some people. I hope we continue to gel even more this year.  

People – Some left and some I let go:

This is the saddest part of any year. Seeing people go or letting them go. Coming to terms with their absence. Just the way you come to terms with their presence sometimes. I know it sounds clichéd and we have all heard it that every person comes in your life to teach you something. That kind of sounds true to me today. Some such people who taught me much more about myself than anything else.   

So, dear 2015. You have been special. In blessings. And learnings. And dear 2016, You better be good.

“I’m sharing my #TalesOf2015 with BlogAdda.”

Addictions

People warn you against addictions. You hear your well-meaning friends say, ‘Oh you can have everything in moderation. Just make sure you don’t get addicted to it.’ Parents are on the lookout for saving their children from any kind of addiction. Alcohol, smoking, drugs – the dangerous words.  Precisely, because these things suck life out of you, gradually making you dependent on them. 

But there is something even more dangerous than these addictions.  Addiction of people. Why do we never get warned about 'addiction' of some such people in our lives? The ones who matter to you, the ones who fall in love with you, the ones you have 3 a.m. conversations with, the ones you sin with, the ones who warm up your hearts, the ones who don’t judge you for drinking vodka straight from the bottle in December, the ones who become your muses and much more. These are the ones you start getting dependent on. For your emotional needs. The needs of your soul. Something that your body doesn’t even notice. But the soul? The soul does.

The soul craves for these addictions when they leave you. Or when you leave them after realizing that you are addicted to them. Because you know these people aren’t good for you. Because you know they have the power over you. Because you can’t have them forever in your life. Because they aren’t for yours to keep. Because you can love them but never be loved in return. Because they are a part of your journey but not a part of your destination.   

Just like the physical symptoms of materialistic addictions, there are symptoms of ‘people’ addictions. The cravings. The cravings that leaves you empty, anxious, bruised. The cravings that sometimes make you cold. Towards everything. Mute the noise. Around you. Though the same cannot be said about the noise inside.

Your soul wants them back. Those addictions. You almost reach out. Again. Stopping yourself just in time. Realization. That though they give you a high by making you delve deeper in yourself, you know they are exhausting you. Though they build your imagination, you know they are wrecking you. Though they bring in heightened sense of emotions, you know they are making you numb somewhere.

Isn’t it is much better to get addicted to those materialistic addictions. Those materialistic addictions merely spoil your body. But the addiction of 'people'? The addiction of people damages your soul. The kind of damage that is worse than an ailing body. Because the body can heal. But the soul? The soul does not.