Dear
Niharika,
Did you
notice that I just called you Niharika and not what I used to call you? I am
improving, right? Well, I know you might be rolling your eyes on seeing my mail
again. I know you have warned me against doing this, but this is just the only
way left for me to connect to you, to feel closer to you. I also know, you would
be wondering why do I keep on contacting you intermittently. Why is it that I
message you continuously for days together and then sometimes I vanish without
a trace, becoming non-existent from your life? I know you would be thanking
your stars on such days, isn’t it? Thanking God that may be this time I am gone
forever. May be from this time, I won’t trouble you anymore. Well, to be honest
with you, even I am baffled with my own self these days.
I tried to think
this out. Tried to reason out with myself that why can’t I just let you be? Why
do I still have to contact you again and again when everything between us is
past tense!
I tried to
introspect and I realized that I am in a constant struggle. Struggle within my
own self! A constant battle that brews within me. A battle of ‘Rational Me’ vs.
‘Emotional Me’. Let me explain what I mean.
At times, when I
vanish from your life, giving you relief that I might have moved on (as you have
always wanted), it is the ‘Rational Me’ that overpowers the ‘Emotional Me’. In
that battle ground, the ‘Rational Me’ hits the ‘Emotional Me’ with choicest of
harsh words wounding the ‘Emotional Me’ badly. The ‘Rational Me’ wishes that the
‘Emotional Me’ dies permanently. It says that there is no place for ‘Emotional
Me’ in this world that runs on logic. On such days, the ‘Emotional Me’ bleeds. Tears
and Memories! It is quieted.
The ‘Rational Me’ goes
on to remind the ‘Emotional Me’ of the struggles the ‘Entire Me’ is going
through since the day we decided to split. Wait. Since the day 'you' decided to split for the reason, I am yet to know. It says that you do not love me
anymore. It says that whatever we had is over and it would never be back. It
says that you have moved on. Or rather moved away from me and it doesn’t seem that
you are ever going to be on your way back. It says that your heart doesn't
recognize my heart anymore.
The ‘Rational me’ is
successful at almost killing the ‘Emotional me’. It writhes in pain, unable to
get up, unable to pump life anymore. And it is during such times that you get
lucky and don't receive any harassment from my side. Yes, I am calling it harassment
myself. I know you call me the same now.
But then, every
aspect has its own strengths. The ‘Emotional Me’ while suffering in pain remembers
all the wrong incidents so that it can start believing that you are never
coming back, that ‘we’ is never happening again. But while remembering all
those wrong incidents, it recalls all the ‘right’ incidents too.
The ‘Emotional Me’,
starts believing that whatever was there between us cannot die so soon. How can
something die when it was meant to be 'forever'? But the ‘Emotional Me’ doesn’t
know that ‘forever’ is nothing but a sham. The ‘Foolish Me’ (yes, that is what
I would prefer calling the ‘Emotional Me’) believes in the strength of that
thing called ‘love’. It believes that if this heart calls you earnestly, with all
its honesty, your heart would listen. And not only would it listen, it would
reply too.
And it is in this state that the ‘Foolish
Me’ contacts you again. Sending you texts, mails and old pictures thinking that they would touch your heart's strings the way it touched when I had sent them to you earlier. The way it touches me, even today. Every single
time I see them.
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| Image Source : Google |
But, you know what, when you
reply with harsh words or worse, when you don't even care to reply at all, the ‘Rational
Me’ laughs. Oh boy, it laughs. Hysterically, mockingly and sarcastically at the foolishness
of the ‘Foolish Me’. It laughs till the time the ‘Foolish Me’ is in tears. It gets mocked cruelly and brutally by the ‘Rational
Me’ who repeats 'See, I told you, but you won’t listen. And now when she hasn't
even replied to you, why don’t you just go die somewhere!’
And that is how the
‘Rational Me’ knocks down the ‘Emotional Me’ again. And thus continues the
cycle. The vicious cycle. The vicious cycle of my destruction! I wish this
cycle stops itself before it destroys me completely. See, that's how, you are unlucky some days and at times you just get lucky.
At the end, I can
just feel sorry for the ‘Emotional Me’, oops, sorry, the ‘Foolish Me’ and for
all the troubles that you go through because of Me. Today is just one of your
unlucky days. You would have guessed that by now.
Could you just pray
that the ‘Emotional Me’ dies soon. Permanently!
Once (may be
always) Yours,
Anuj
