Sunday, 28 September 2014

Rational Me Vs. Emotional Me

Dear Niharika,

Did you notice that I just called you Niharika and not what I used to call you? I am improving, right? Well, I know you might be rolling your eyes on seeing my mail again. I know you have warned me against doing this, but this is just the only way left for me to connect to you, to feel closer to you. I also know, you would be wondering why do I keep on contacting you intermittently. Why is it that I message you continuously for days together and then sometimes I vanish without a trace, becoming non-existent from your life? I know you would be thanking your stars on such days, isn’t it? Thanking God that may be this time I am gone forever. May be from this time, I won’t trouble you anymore. Well, to be honest with you, even I am baffled with my own self these days. 

I tried to think this out. Tried to reason out with myself that why can’t I just let you be? Why do I still have to contact you again and again when everything between us is past tense!

I tried to introspect and I realized that I am in a constant struggle. Struggle within my own self! A constant battle that brews within me. A battle of ‘Rational Me’ vs. ‘Emotional Me’. Let me explain what I mean.

At times, when I vanish from your life, giving you relief that I might have moved on (as you have always wanted), it is the ‘Rational Me’ that overpowers the ‘Emotional Me’. In that battle ground, the ‘Rational Me’ hits the ‘Emotional Me’ with choicest of harsh words wounding the ‘Emotional Me’ badly. The ‘Rational Me’ wishes that the ‘Emotional Me’ dies permanently. It says that there is no place for ‘Emotional Me’ in this world that runs on logic. On such days, the ‘Emotional Me’ bleeds. Tears and Memories! It is quieted.

The ‘Rational Me’ goes on to remind the ‘Emotional Me’ of the struggles the ‘Entire Me’ is going through since the day we decided to split. Wait. Since the day 'you' decided to split for the reason, I am yet to know. It says that you do not love me anymore. It says that whatever we had is over and it would never be back. It says that you have moved on. Or rather moved away from me and it doesn’t seem that you are ever going to be on your way back. It says that your heart doesn't recognize my heart anymore. 

The ‘Rational me’ is successful at almost killing the ‘Emotional me’. It writhes in pain, unable to get up, unable to pump life anymore. And it is during such times that you get lucky and don't receive any harassment from my side. Yes, I am calling it harassment myself. I know you call me the same now.

But then, every aspect has its own strengths. The ‘Emotional Me’ while suffering in pain remembers all the wrong incidents so that it can start believing that you are never coming back, that ‘we’ is never happening again. But while remembering all those wrong incidents, it recalls all the ‘right’ incidents too. 

The ‘Emotional Me’, starts believing that whatever was there between us cannot die so soon. How can something die when it was meant to be 'forever'? But the ‘Emotional Me’ doesn’t know that ‘forever’ is nothing but a sham. The ‘Foolish Me’ (yes, that is what I would prefer calling the ‘Emotional Me’) believes in the strength of that thing called ‘love’. It believes that if this heart calls you earnestly, with all its honesty, your heart would listen. And not only would it listen, it would reply too. 

And it is in this state that the ‘Foolish Me’ contacts you again. Sending you texts, mails and old pictures thinking that they would touch your heart's strings the way it touched when I had sent them to you earlier. The way it touches me, even today. Every single time I see them.  
Image Source : Google

But, you know what, when you reply with harsh words or worse, when you don't even care to reply at all, the ‘Rational Me’ laughs. Oh boy, it laughs. Hysterically, mockingly and sarcastically at the foolishness of the ‘Foolish Me’. It laughs till the time the ‘Foolish Me’ is in tears. It gets mocked cruelly and brutally by the ‘Rational Me’ who repeats 'See, I told you, but you won’t listen. And now when she hasn't even replied to you, why don’t you just go die somewhere!’ 

And that is how the ‘Rational Me’ knocks down the ‘Emotional Me’ again. And thus continues the cycle. The vicious cycle. The vicious cycle of my destruction! I wish this cycle stops itself before it destroys me completely. See, that's how, you are unlucky some days and at times you just get lucky.

At the end, I can just feel sorry for the ‘Emotional Me’, oops, sorry, the ‘Foolish Me’ and for all the troubles that you go through because of Me. Today is just one of your unlucky days. You would have guessed that by now.

Could you just pray that the ‘Emotional Me’ dies soon. Permanently!

 Once (may be always) Yours,


Anuj


12 comments:

  1. So often we are stuck in a conflict between our rational self and emotional self ... very well explored :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nicely explored! Even I have different "MEs" living within me. I call them by better halves :P

    Somehow all three(yes there are three of them) have managed to live in harmony until now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Soumya. Three of them? Which is the third one btw? Just curious !!

      Delete
  3. I am same , I do think there is a different me inside for sure, and I so want the other me to come out and be who i am , Rather than what I am .. I am sick and tired of being a emotional idiot that I am getting sucked into stuff which i repent later just because I took a decision with my heart rather than mind..
    Bikram

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are all like that I guess.. sometimes tired of being emotional but cant be rational all the time.. But I guess that's what keeps us human..

      Delete
  4. I sometimes thing I am schizophrenic....so many emotions, so many different ways of reacting.
    We all are the same no? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Schizophrenic ..?? lol.. Yeah, I guess we are all like that somewhere..

      Delete
  5. Very creatively articulated thoughts...yes there is a challenge and an opportunity in this conflict between the rational me and the emotional me...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you :) Yep.. the never ending conflict !!

      Delete
  6. Heart warming story that touches the heart that has no reason. The emotional vs foolish me revels in conflict that logic fails to justify.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot Vishal. Glad you liked it :)

      Delete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...