NaPoWriMo Day 4 - Unsolved

in that irritated tone for no reason

in that everlasting smile 

in every season

the anger that piqued without your permission

in those excuses given for canceling plans

in the fear of being uncomfortable amidst new

and yet, in the inability to say ‘no’ to even a few

in that obsessive gulping on books and booze

and even in the smugness that you choose

in judging your own actions

and denying self-care

hinging your identity to people

who are hardly there

living with the feeling

that you always belong else somewhere

in feeling like a walking apology

balancing everything on eggshells

being somebody to whom everything overwhelms

in lashing out

when you actually need help

in the muffled cries

when on paper they are dealt

in being afraid to make mistakes

the unending feeling of everything

being always at stake

it hides itself

festering from inside

unprecedented, unmoving

visible, yet invisible

this unsolved, unknown trauma

# Writing for NaPoWriMo attempting to everyday for the month of April. Combining this with prompts from The Alipore Post 

Things I want to feel again

1. Breathlessness after a good workout
2. The soreness of my eyes after a night spent reading, unaware of the clock 
3. The joy of tasting what I have cooked and it turning to be absolutely the way I had wanted it to be
4. The audacity to go anywhere without carrying any medication
5. The smell of parijat flowers blooming in my backyard
6. The glow in my eyes after writing my heart out
7. The wind on my face staring at the horizon,sitting in my balcony, tea in my hands, made just the way I like it
8. The jitters in my body on your touch, the flutter of my heart every time I saw you smile, the softness of my hands in yours and the warmth of the browns of your eyes on my skin
9. Listening to my favourite songs and feeling the rhythm inside me
10. Hope

Pic source: Me

The Lovers and The Leavers

The lovers who turn into leavers. The leavers who you try to take as lovers. You sometimes have an inkling from the very beginning that they aren't meant for you. That no matter how much they mean to you, you are never going to be as important for them. You see it coming. Their absence. Your expectations. And the combined hurt.

You probably have thought about it in your head. You think that you will survive through this too. After all you've seen worse. You've felt far more unwelcome in their life while you were with them. I mean how much could this hurt? How bad could it be? Maybe that's why you have prepared yourself for it. Rehearsed the whole scene. Tried to guess the reaction. Yours and theirs too.

Then why did you have that lump in the throat? Why did you have to reprimand yourself all the time to be strong. You wanted to feel that it wasn't hurting. But it actually was.

That's when you realize that no matter how much you prepare yourself for someone's leaving, you are never going to be prepared until the precise moment comes. That every person in your life leaves their impressions in you.

That every person who leaves, adds to the emptiness. That every time you find someone to distract you for a while is creating a bigger hole inside you.

That's when you start living the froth. Showing the foamy parts of you. The prettier version. All made up. Because you don't want anyone to see the hole. In the hope that one day, maybe even you would not be able to feel it. Maybe. Maybe someday.