Tonight is imperfect !

Tonight is imperfect. The air is hanging around me, too full with longing and despair. The longing is so harsh, so hard; it has created holes in the night sky and is melting the moon. The moon drips, drop by drop like yellow salted butter. Over plants with white buds and trees with yellow leaves. The trees are my friends. They will not give away my secret. They hide my despair between their thick branches and yellow leaves. The flowers are traitors. They always have been. They sometimes convey feelings that the giver hasn't put inside them.

The traitors will bloom tomorrow. Not white. But Yellow. They will bloom yellow, fragrant with my despair. Everyone will then know I have been radiating sadness, creating holes in the sky and melting the moon. 

Tomorrow I will have to eat those traitors. They will taste of salt and unnamed emotions. Maybe then I would reek. But not of despair, not of sadness. I would reek of 'distance from you.'

Do You? Ever?

Do you ever think of me when you are just about to close your eyes for the day? Do you sometimes wake up and smile for no reason because you have dreamt of me? dreamt of us? Do I ever cross your mind when you feel that your insides would burst because something burdens it so much that it no longer has the strength to pump life one more time? Does your happiness ever taste bland because you can no longer share it with me?

Do your fingers ever linger at my name in your phone book when you are searching for somebody whose name starts with my initials? Do you sometimes, on an impulse, open the folder containing my pictures in your old laptop and never realize how minutes turn into hours?

Does my absence ever bother when you go on trips alone that were on ‘our’ wishlist? Does your heart ever skip a beat at the prospect of meeting me one more time, even if it is just from far away, even if we would be in a room full of people and we may not even share a single word?

Do you ever try and replay my voice in your head, the way I pronounced your name, the way I called you when I was angry and when I was happy or when I was passionately falling for you? Do you ever recall the way I looked into your eyes while we made love and you kept on asking why did I keep on staring in them? I never told you. All I answered was 'just'. Well, let me tell you today, I searched myself in them.

Do my thoughts ever hauntingly follow you while you are neck deep in most mundane works? Do you ever feel so lonely without me that you wouldn’t mind if you lost your breath right that moment because you just can’t see a point in continuing a life where I am not a part of it?

Do you, atleast in your mind, speak my name, when somebody mentions the word ‘love’? Tell me, do you? Ever? 

Written for Three Word Wednesday Week No. 426

I - Impending Sense of Loss

She:	It's high time you recover
He:	From?
She:	From whatever that you are mourning
He:	I am sorry if I sound cruel. But you haven't lost anybody and I hope you never do. But you might never understand what I go through everyday. It's cruel, you know, to survive without somebody that meant the world to you.
She:	You know there is something much more crushing than the actual loss itself?
He:	And what would that be?
She:	The impending sense of loss
He:	Really now?
She:	Yes. The feeling of something precious slipping away from your hands. Claustrophobic. Helpless. Like you are drowning and now you are getting tired of struggling to stay afloat and the panic that hits you the exact moment when you feel lack of air for the first time. When your loved one is battling terminal illness, a dying relationship, an-about-to-break friendship, an unnamed bond that you had grown emotionally dependent upon going sour. Nothing is lost yet, but everything isn't the same either. Impending sense of loss. Hard hitting. You see the suffering in the eyes of the people, their difficulty in being with you and you want to set them free too but you just can't. Because you don't want to. Because you are torn. Between your own reasons to keep them with you and the relief of seeing them free. Like an invisible burden on your soul. The possibilities floating inside your head. The what ifs. The imaginary scenarios of everything going back to the way it was before. And then the realization that they are just what you thought them to be – imaginary scenarios. Like you have started walking on a bridge and just when you have reached the exact centre, that's when you realize that its oh-not-so-sturdy. And then you know that there is no way out because you cannot go back and cannot risk going ahead too. That's when you realize the meaning of the word 'stuck'. Stuck in a quagmire of not the loss but the impending sense of loss. This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge - 2015

Retreat : Haiku

unhappiness floats

in eyes, when I am around

retreating from me?

This is written for Haiku Horizons Prompt # 15 – ‘RETREAT’

Wish You Could See !!

I wish you could see

The pains I go through everyday

How much I miss you, I wish my words could say

I wish you could see

The restlessness within

How this heart suffers like it has committed some sins

I wish you could see

The tears behind the smile that I conceal

The way it tears me apart, how every moment of life I deal

I wish you could see

The longing I suffer for you

Those times when I do not know how to survive through

I wish you could see

The repentance of the past mistakes

How my entire being without you is almost at stake

I wish you could see

The loneliness in my eyes

How often, how often, remembering you they have cried

I wish you could see

The claustrophobia I get

Whenever the past haunts chocking me almost to death

I wish you could see

How my insides crave for you

That the love I felt was nothing but true

I wish you could see

Those crushed promises and the strangled ‘We’

 You the new He, Me a lost She 

This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge 2014 under Non-Themed category. I am doing two posts for this Challenge and Themed posts can be found here.

Quarantined

BlogAdda's Tangy Tuesday 

   




Shattered in pain, crying her insides out. No words can define her situation. Lost. She lost a part of her existence already. Her soulmate, her husband. The society is around. To take care of the necessities, the rituals. 

After he leaves, bathe her. Bathe her out in the open. Clothes. Colourless for her from now on. She doesn’t deserve colours in her life anymore. Her husband brought colours to her life. No him, no colours. Widow. They call her, right in her face. Cursed she is now. Cursed for life.

Quarantine her. For she is not a suhaagan anymore. Quarantine her like those diseased cattle. For her touch is not auspicious any longer. You talk about touch? Even her presence is inauspicious. Unwanted, to be precise. As if the death of her husband is not enough of a loss for her, she needs to be reminded all the time that she is cursed, cursed for life.

But, we are modern people now. We allow her to wear colours. Yes, ‘allow’ her. Allow her shades of light pinks, light blues, pale yellows and peaches. That’s it. No reds, greens and maroons can adorn her anymore. Nope. She doesn’t need them.

You allow her to live a normal life. Hah, ‘allow’ again. For she now needs permissions. Of those elder women - the ones who have gone through similar fates. Permissions - of the caretakers of culture, caretakers of society. She needs permissions for conducting some simple routines of life. 

But, we are modern people, you know. Ofcourse, she can be a part of ‘normal’ ladies group now that you have ‘allowed’ her. But, you cannot talk about your husbands in front of her. She can get jealous. I mean, who knows, maybe she might just want to rob you of all your happiness out of jealously and curse you of the same fate. You know, curses of ‘such kind’ of people affect you sooner. So again you quarantine certain topics in front of her. Topics of husbands. Of happiness. Of anything that ‘you’ think that she can never ‘enjoy’ now that she is a widow.

Marriages. She shouldn’t be attending them. How can she? Marriages are a celebration. How can she be a part of any celebration? She lost her right to celebrate after her husband, didn’t she? But again, as I told you, we are modern people. Call her, atleast as a formality. She wouldn’t dare to come. But if she disappoints you, you need to show her ‘her’ place. Remind her. Remind her that she is the cursed one. Keep her away as much as possible from any auspicious ceremony. She cannot handle the shagun ki thali nor touch the shagun ki mehndi. Quarantine her again. For apshakun she is. Evil eyed. Make her feel like an outcast. She should know that she is different. Not normal. Cursed.  

Her daughter’s marriage. Her daughter - her only reason for existence. Arey, we are modern people. She ofcourse will be part of her daughter’s wedding. But. You cannot let her do the kanyadaan. No. She is her daughter, so what? Her curse might fall on her own daughter. The girl is starting a new life. How can her mother’s apshakun be a part of her new life? Quarantine her of that dream too, the one she saw with her husband. Of getting her daughter married to handsome man. After all, she is cursed, isn’t she?

No, we are not robbing her of everything, you see. She can do something without any guilt. Like praying. Yes, that is the only righteous thing she can do after her husband. Pray hard. So that the sins of this life don’t affect her next life. As such she is suffering by being a widow in her present birth because of her past life sins.

Widow. You use that word for her as if she is diseased. Diseased. Yes. Not her. But You. It’s you that needs to be quarantined of your baseless beliefs; not her right to live a normal happy life. May be, just may be then, you can call yourself a modern society.  

This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge 2014 under Non-Themed category. I am doing two posts for this Challenge and Themed posts can be found here.

Days with you !!

She: Baby

He:  Hmm

She: I know you don’t really like calling me that, but I love saying that to you again and again. My baby. It’s been years since we’ve known each other. A few less since we’ve been best friends, a little lesser number since we’ve been sweethearts and a few even less number of years of being termed as a married couple. I still remember the day you proposed I said I need time to think and finally the day I said yes. But you know which one is my favourite day with you? 

       

       It’s the one sitting in that chilled restaurant ordering our regular Manchurian dish when you took out that crumbled piece of paper from your laptop bag, put that on the table almost smearing it with Manchurian gravy and explained to me with great detail about how much loan we’ll have to take to buy our own house, what furniture we would buy, how much it would cost you and how much should we be spending on our wedding. Yes, baby, that was my favourite day with you. That was the first day that gave me a glimpse of our being with each other forever. So many magical moments have been shared since that day, isn’t it?

He:   Jia..

She: Remember, the day we signed those loan papers, when you were nervous about how we would repay and I was super excited about having a home to call my own. My God, the way you got tired of the furniture shopping spree. But, I was decorating our house for the first time, how could I have not been excited? 

He:  Jia, will you let me speak?

She: And now since I am on a truth telling mission, let me tell you a secret. You know whenever you hug me from the back and get all naughty when I am kneading the dough so that I cannot use my hands to push you and I always crib and get all angry on you. You know what, I actually cherish those moments. Aaand.. I purposely wear all those deep-back dresses.

He:  Jia, listen to me atleast !!

She: You listen to me baby. You know what a big Bollywoodish romantic I am! It is under the influence of those movies that I don’t ever keep your towel in the bathroom. So that you would call me to give the towel to you and you could pull me inside. And I so hate it, when you remember to take your towel with you while going for the bath.

He: Jia, listen to me for god sake! Jia, we are not married. We broke up just a few days after that restaurant time. None of the things that you have said have actually happened. You are living your life with me in your head. The doctors are right, you need medication.

She: You know what, I just love living my days with you.  

This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge 2014 under Non-Themed category. I am doing two posts for this Challenge and Themed posts can be found here.

Beggar's Blessing

They stood near a bike outside their favourite coffee shop. She leaned on his bike resting her huge white bag on the seat. Her gaze was fixed on his face, while he seemed restless, not looking at her at all. He kept on staring at a distance on the road as if counting the vehicles passing by. Both of them hardly said anything.

A scrawny woman with a child in her hand approached them. ‘Please give me something. I haven’t eaten since yesterday. I need to feed him too’ – she said pointing at her child. Both of them looked at her and then towards each other. They remembered something though none said a word. ‘Please give me something. Atleast buy me one wadapaav from that stall’ she pointed at the nearby stall.

Neha opened her bag and searched for her purse. She never did something like this before. Earlier, whenever any beggar approached them, it was he who got generous and handed such beggars more than the beggar would have expected. Today, she saw that he hadn’t budged. She opened her purse and found a few notes and coins. Carefully, she plucked a hundred rupee note from her purse and handed it to the beggar. The beggar was surprised at the generosity. Even Shaurya looked at her differently. After all, he knew her too well.

‘God bless you, child. May all your dreams come true. May both of you always be together. May you both always live happily together’, said the woman showering all her blessings on them. A faint smile spread over Neha’s face. She could feel tears welling up her eyes. ‘You got the money, now go. Don’t say unnecessary things’, she heard Shaurya shouting at the woman. The woman walked away thanking Neha.

Neha’s tears left the confines of her eyes rushing over her cheeks. Shaurya saw them too but chose to look away. Her teary eyes were still fixed on his face. ‘I think I should make a move. I am getting late. Do you want me to drop you somewhere or you would be fine without me?’ said Shaurya.

‘I will go myself’ she replied. Shaurya asked her to move a little bit and take her bag, started his bike and sped off saying goodbye.

She kept on looking at him till he was visible in the traffic. The enormity of his last few words hit her now. How would she be fine without him? How odd of that woman to have blessed them togetherness on the day they were breaking up. She knew that she had purposely given the beggar more money because they always blessed in the same manner. Always. And more than today, she had never hoped for a beggar’s blessings to come true.

This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge 2014 under Non-Themed category. I am doing two posts for this Challenge and Themed posts can be found here.

Love Gone Wrong - 33 words

Her temper was blamed for their breakup. He was tagged into a facebook status announcing a wedding after three years of relationship. Alas, she had broken up with him only a year back.   

This post is written for Trifextra Week -102, where we are supposed to write 33 words about love gone wrong. But following words cannot be used –

love, sad, tears, wept, heart, pain

Little did she know - 55 Fiction

She never told him how crazily she loved him because she wanted to wait till their

marriage. She was even secretly penning their love story into a book as her wedding gift for the man who always made smile reach her eyes. Little did she know that their love story would never reach its destination!

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While searching job portal, she remembered her placement day when she had

refused corporate communications profile because she had studied Finance. Little did she know that two years later, she would find her calling in communications and would do anything to trade her present job for the one offered to her at her campus placements.  

This post is written for Write Tribe 55 on Friday. The prompt - “Little did she know”

As the year goes by !!

Image Source: Obviously Google ;)

As the last few evenings of this year pass by

Reels of the past year swim through my eyes

The year that began with promises and new hope

The ones that I made when high on hope’s dope

Life swinging between extremes

Averageness, my life’s this year didn’t see

Lurking between bests and the worsts

There were some sad lasts and a few newborn firsts

Resolutions half done

Achieved a few, forgotten some

Nights when I cried myself to sleep

Attempts to understand life, oh so deep

Philosophers I could put to shame,

What mattered, who didn’t, for my miseries who was to be blamed

Writing journey this year I began

Shedding inhibitions, making blogger friends

Support in this new endeavor pouring from all ends

Health scares waking me up one fine day

Importance of it understood the harder way

When professional life seemed to be messy

There were friends who stood by like life’s blessings

Lost a best friend for life

Misunderstandings cutting relationships slowly like a blunt knife

Unnecessary Ego went for a toss

But not before creating a huge void, a magnanimous loss

Maturity I think, seeped my head a little

Breaking some notions, oh so brittle

Futile attempts to save a few close relations

The ones that made life come almost to stagnation

A handful of new friends garnered on the way

That made life bearable on harsh sunny days

Tried to be a better daughter, sister and human being

But couldn’t match the standards I set in the beginning

As another year goes by

Life slips like sand, unstoppable, however hard you try

So much had to be done

So much to be achieved, so much to be won

Regrets, Remorse of things undone

Sprinkled with a few happy moments in the year long run

As this year closes its shop

I stand again looking at horizon

Holding hope’s little fingers again

2014 - You better be a happy one

DEW : Haiku

Image Source: Google 

Braving enemies

Son, peaceful you sleep

Dew in my eyes Forever

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Image Source: Google

Eras bygone

Since I last saw you

Memories just afresh as dew

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Image Source: Google

Barefoot on you I walk
Fatigue melts away
Freshness in me induced

This post is shared with Haiku Heights # 313 and the prompt is DEW