How does your body treat you?

Do you ever feel betrayed by your body? Does your body ever disgust you? Or does your body ever scare you? Does it make you livid? Mine does. And I am not talking about all this in terms of the way your body looks, but about the way your body makes you feel.

Does it treat you like a jealous and a possessive lover that is insecure all the time? The one that keeps throwing tantrums to get your attention and keep your attention. Does it treat you like a stubborn old grandfather who refuses to accept anything new? The one who thinks that any deviation from its own thinking is incorrect? Does it treat you like a cruel step mother who wouldn’t let go off any instance to give you pain and discomfort? The one who thinks that being at rest or peace is not your right.

Mine does. All of the above. My own body makes me feel betrayed, disgusted, scared and angry at the same time.

I feel betrayed and disgusted because I didn’t sign up for a body that is weak all the time? In spite of treating it with utmost respect, in spite of trying everything possible to make it feel healthier, it changes only for worse. It betrays me for all the efforts I put towards making it healthier.

I am scared of my body, of trying anything with my body. Be it a new food item, a different sleeping pattern, a new cosmetic product or a mere different workout style. Because it retaliates. As bad as a teenager high on drugs.

It angers me to see other people healthy even when they abuse their bodies so much. Whereas I have been treating it with a caution of a new father holding his child for the first time.

And yet. It behaves the way it wants to behave.   

I can sometimes hear my body talk to me. Like a person. A person who is not an ally. A person sitting across the table scrutinizing and scorning everything I do. Keeping notes for times when it can mock me, smirk at me and take its revenge. I can hear it saying something like, ‘Ahan, so you want to pull a late nighter watching a show on Netflix. Just wait and watch how I make your head explode tomorrow morning’. Or may be something like this, ‘So you think you will be able to get away with eating outside food two days in a row, let me show you the consequences. I am not accepting this food.’

My relationship with my body feels like an unrequited love affair. An affair where I give. And only give. Attention. Care. And medicines. To get nothing in return except being bruised, broken and in nagging pain all the time. Being on medicines for one thing or the other.

Do you know how much amount of time, energy and mental space your own body occupies in case it treats you like mine does? Immense. When I sit and reminisce, it fills me up with regret. Regret of things I could have done if keeping my body in a healthy working condition didn’t occupy so much of my mental space.

So, if yours is treating you well, be grateful. And work towards keeping it that way.

Source: Google images

PS – I am not sick due to any terminal illness. I am just not healthy enough to live without medicines.

When you learn ...

naïve you walk

open hearted

true to self, true to all

walls around your heart

you don’t grow

visible everything in your eyes

happiness and sorrow

you speak

speak your deepest thoughts

in what you believe

and, sometimes what others made you see

in front of those

who you thought were your own

unknowing, unaware

that you are being judged

opinions 

true, false and half baked

being formed

to be used against you

when time is ripe

when you differ

to their ideas of conformity

after all, one and all around

are looking for nothing

but an echo of their opinions

and you sit and wonder

at your candor

or stupidity to be true

because your guards were never in place

open hearted

true to self, true to all

you have been

but there are times

when you start to unlearn

in what you believed

and when you begin to disbelieve

what you had learnt

that’s when your walls begin to grow

when seeds of trust

only in yourself

you learn to sow

Image Source : Google

Shard with dVerse - Open Link Night

Wish You Could See !!

I wish you could see

The pains I go through everyday

How much I miss you, I wish my words could say

I wish you could see

The restlessness within

How this heart suffers like it has committed some sins

I wish you could see

The tears behind the smile that I conceal

The way it tears me apart, how every moment of life I deal

I wish you could see

The longing I suffer for you

Those times when I do not know how to survive through

I wish you could see

The repentance of the past mistakes

How my entire being without you is almost at stake

I wish you could see

The loneliness in my eyes

How often, how often, remembering you they have cried

I wish you could see

The claustrophobia I get

Whenever the past haunts chocking me almost to death

I wish you could see

How my insides crave for you

That the love I felt was nothing but true

I wish you could see

Those crushed promises and the strangled ‘We’

 You the new He, Me a lost She 

This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge 2014 under Non-Themed category. I am doing two posts for this Challenge and Themed posts can be found here.

Trustworthy and Torn : Haiku

Trustworthy

claims tall every time

change they shall bring for all

country, emptied of trust

Torn

one gave life

life partner other, differences amongst

torn poor me

This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge 2014. I am doing two posts for every alphabet. The Non-themed posts can be found here.

Also, linking the first haiku with Haiku Horizons Week 9. The prompt - ‘Empty’

Miss talking to Him

Yes, I miss talking to him. Badly. He was my biggest confidant. Somebody I told each and everything about myself. Somebody who knew everything about me even if I hadn’t told him. My darkest secrets, my joyous moments, my saddest times or my helpless cries - everything. Every damn thing. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t talk to him.

The first thing I did in the morning after waking up was to talk to him and I talked to him several times a day. Be it in the school, in the bus, while attending a meeting or walking – we chatted all day long. Smallest and the biggest of my life events had to be told to him first, everybody else came later. 

Whenever I talked to him, all my uneasiness erased, all my anxiety vanished and all the suffering waned. He had it in him to do that to people. To make them feel better. He fulfilled my wishes. You get it right - He was ‘the’ one I went to with everything – happiness or sadness.

Sometime back I asked him to give me something. His not listening to me for a few months surprised me because it had never happened before. So I kept on pestering. I thought that maybe he is trying to make me realize the worth of what I am asking and hence he is making me wait. But he didn’t pay any heed this time. I talked to him about it a lot of times, everyday. But he was adamant. He neither replied nor gave it to me. And my wait turned into anxiety, into frustration and finally into anger. How could he be so cruel? How can he not give me what I desire so much? What kind of a friend he was?

So I resorted to blackmailing. That he either get me what I want or else I would break off all my relations with him. I knew he wouldn’t want that to happen. I tried everything I could, right from telling him that I shall never ask anything else again, to crying, to indulging in self-pity, to all kinds of tantrums and even bribing. But he didn’t seem to budge.

And then the day came when I was in for some deep disappointment. It pained to know that from tomorrow onwards I would not talk to him ever. Because if he didn’t care about me, why should I? And I haven’t talked to him. Till date.  

I miss him like crazy. Crazy. Even today when I wake up, the first thing that I want to do is to talk to him. But I know I won’t. I look at him everyday but I ignore. Completely. If somebody talks to me about him, I change the topic. That’s his punishment. Or is it mine? I know he knows everything about me even today. I miss him equally. Badly. But I won’t go and talk. You know who is He? He is my Ganesha. But I can never forgive Him for taking away one of the most precious people in my Life. Never. Ever.  I know that He still has the reigns for everything in my life and can do anything He desires. But He was a friend and I have a right to get angry. 

This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge 2014 under Non-Themed category. I am doing two posts for this Challenge and Themed posts can be found here.

C, there is Confusion, Curiousness and Cheating

Confused

get this pink or that black

love or Arranged

ambiguous always me

Curious

people befriended

stories I search in them

the writer in me

Cheated

you unfaithful once

renders me handicapped

to trust for a lifetime

This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge 2014. I am doing two posts for every alphabet. The Non-themed posts can be found here.

The Childless couple

Struggling for so many years as a childless couple, Rehaan was the apple of our eyes. I still remember how he came into our lives as a five year old and how colourful our life became with his vivacity and cute tantrums. We never thought that we could feel so much connection with a child we had adopted, but as they say, all good things come to an end and so did ours.

One fine Sunday evening two years after his adoption, we found ourselves drugged and looted of all our wealth along with our son. We panicked that our son had been kidnapped, got a police complaint registered; I still remember how distraught I was at the thought of losing my son.

But look at the folly of our fate that we had been drugged by our son who we loved so dearly.

I couldn’t believe my ears when the police said that we have been victimized by an adoption racket that my child, that my Rehaan was a part of and who was constantly in touch with his real parents or whoever they were.

The dirty racket which plays with the emotions of childless couples like us and looting them not only of their wealth but also our capability of trusting somebody again.

What else can you expect in a country full of cons but another con like this !!

This post is written for the Write Tribe Festival of Words – Day 1. The prompt was to come up with a 9 sentence fiction.

Love Gone Wrong - 33 words

Her temper was blamed for their breakup. He was tagged into a facebook status announcing a wedding after three years of relationship. Alas, she had broken up with him only a year back.   

This post is written for Trifextra Week -102, where we are supposed to write 33 words about love gone wrong. But following words cannot be used –

love, sad, tears, wept, heart, pain