The
air was chilly. It was late in the night and I was coming back after being
dropped by someone midway. Midway. I could feel the chill. But not the one that
was around me, the one that was inside me. I don’t know when I started crying.
I don’t know how long I cried. The only words that echoed inside me were these,
‘I do not belong’. ‘I do not belong’. I chanted it until all the salt inside me
flowed out.
I
do not belong to anyone, anywhere. I do not belong to people I call my own, to
home I go everyday, to people I serve. I do not belong to the bunch of people I
meet every now and then while sharing poor jokes and good alcohol. I do not
belong to that one close friend I deeply care about and get intermittently
cared in return. I do not belong to that last relationship, the ashes of which I
still carry within me. I do not belong to those casual dates which, if nurtured
could have meant something. I neither belong to that fling where lust
overpowers sanity and self-respect, nor to that one night stand when I went with
somebody I didn’t want to.
I
do not belong to those chirpy coffee conversations about wedding planning with
girlfriends or to morbid conversations about office politics. I do not belong
to those lectures where I am moral policed and also to those freewheeling baseless
talks when I am told I can achieve anything I want.
I
am almost, always out of place. Almost, always I am somewhere I shouldn’t be,
with people I don’t want to be around, doing things I don’t care about getting
done, talking about things that don’t matter to me, living a façade. And yet,
yet I do not know why do I go along. When every fibre inside me wants me to
stop trying to ‘belong’ somewhere, someplace.
Because.
I. Do not belong.
Are you all right? Though this is a nice concept to write on...and well thought too!
ReplyDeleteYeah I am doing ok, Alok. Thank you so much for asking :)
DeleteWonderfully written!
ReplyDeleteThank you Amit :)
DeleteSense of belonging is a human emotional need. Well written post, Jyotsna.
ReplyDeleteIt is. Thanks Meera :)
DeleteWe are all driven to maximally strain towards our needs ranging from the basics to extremes. While some do it modestly, some go all out to achieve them. One needs to find a way through the million intersections, skirting clear of exploitative influences. One needs to protect one's own bundle of aspirations. Remember, you don't belong anywhere. You belong only to yourself. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteI loved the last line. I belong only to myself :)
DeletePoignant post. This feeling of isolation had gripped me once too, it took a while to bang my head for being so silly and move on. You aren't alone there, take care. And I love how in the previous comment it is said, that you only belong to yourself. :)
ReplyDeleteSo there are others like me.. sad to know though.. This feeling of not belonging anywhere.. and yes I loved the last comment too :)
Deletethis is very nice post
ReplyDeleteThank you :)
Delete