Thursday, 8 December 2016

I. Do Not Belong

The air was chilly. It was late in the night and I was coming back after being dropped by someone midway. Midway. I could feel the chill. But not the one that was around me, the one that was inside me. I don’t know when I started crying. I don’t know how long I cried. The only words that echoed inside me were these, ‘I do not belong’. ‘I do not belong’. I chanted it until all the salt inside me flowed out.

I do not belong to anyone, anywhere. I do not belong to people I call my own, to home I go everyday, to people I serve. I do not belong to the bunch of people I meet every now and then while sharing poor jokes and good alcohol. I do not belong to that one close friend I deeply care about and get intermittently cared in return. I do not belong to that last relationship, the ashes of which I still carry within me. I do not belong to those casual dates which, if nurtured could have meant something. I neither belong to that fling where lust overpowers sanity and self-respect, nor to that one night stand when I went with somebody I didn’t want to.

I do not belong to those chirpy coffee conversations about wedding planning with girlfriends or to morbid conversations about office politics. I do not belong to those lectures where I am moral policed and also to those freewheeling baseless talks when I am told I can achieve anything I want.

I am almost, always out of place. Almost, always I am somewhere I shouldn’t be, with people I don’t want to be around, doing things I don’t care about getting done, talking about things that don’t matter to me, living a fa├žade. And yet, yet I do not know why do I go along. When every fibre inside me wants me to stop trying to ‘belong’ somewhere, someplace.

Because. I. Do not belong.  


12 comments:

  1. Are you all right? Though this is a nice concept to write on...and well thought too!

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    1. Yeah I am doing ok, Alok. Thank you so much for asking :)

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  2. Sense of belonging is a human emotional need. Well written post, Jyotsna.

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  3. We are all driven to maximally strain towards our needs ranging from the basics to extremes. While some do it modestly, some go all out to achieve them. One needs to find a way through the million intersections, skirting clear of exploitative influences. One needs to protect one's own bundle of aspirations. Remember, you don't belong anywhere. You belong only to yourself. Cheers!

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    1. I loved the last line. I belong only to myself :)

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  4. Poignant post. This feeling of isolation had gripped me once too, it took a while to bang my head for being so silly and move on. You aren't alone there, take care. And I love how in the previous comment it is said, that you only belong to yourself. :)

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    1. So there are others like me.. sad to know though.. This feeling of not belonging anywhere.. and yes I loved the last comment too :)

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