Relationship Advice Gone Wrong

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“5..4..3..2..1... And the winner for ‘Stupidity Contest’ is Ragjivanram.” - blurted out the radio jockeys Neha and Shahid in unison. It was April Fool’s day and they were having a blast with the city of Bangalore. A contest was hosted by ‘Radio Masti’ on their morning show ‘Subah Suhaani’ hosted by Neha and Shahid. Both of them were at the evening show to announce the contest winners. In the contest, the listeners had to give a whacky question and the hosts gave them even wackier answers.

Ragjivanram hadn’t heard the announcement of him being the winner on Radio. He didn’t even know he was a part of April Fool’s Day contest. He had been probed my Shankar, his fellow peon at the campus of Piramal Institute of Medicine to ask his problem on radio. Shankar had seen young boys and girls do that in campus and when Ragjivanram told him about his anxiety over drinks last evening, Shankar told him he could find the solution of his problem on radio. He told him that the students on the campus did that quite often and they used to discuss the advice they got from radio. Ragjivanram was convinced. After all, he wasn’t too sober to think things through.

Shankar gave him the number of the radio station where he could ask his question. The next morning, Ragjivanram called up the radio station. After a few attempts, he was on line.

‘Hallo, I Ragjivanram’

‘Hello Ragjivanram, welcome to Radio Masti. Where are you from?’

‘I am from Bangalore’

‘Hahaa.. We know you are from Bangalore. But where are you speaking from Bangalore’

‘I from Piramal Institute of Medicine’

‘Ok. Cool Cool.. What’s your question?’

‘I problem with my wife. She go to clean quarter and cook for one Professor house on campus. I no like the Professor. He keep seeing my wife. I don’t like he looks at my wife. I told no to wife to go there. She no listen. She says she need money. Professor very dirty. My wife simple. She no understand his bad looks. I tell her. She no understand. I teach Professor lesson. What to do?’

‘Whoaa, Whoaa, Whooaa.. We have some jealousy issues here. By the way, Ragji-van-ram, right? Ok Ragjivanramji, firstly I really like the way you speak in your broken English. Hahaha.. Anyways, now coming to your problem, I think you need to teach that Professor some lessons. Why don’t you go to that Professor’s house instead of your wife today and given him some hard lessons. Like mixing something in his food. Kuch mila do unke khaane mein. Teach him the lesson Mr. Ram. Unko sabak sikhao. Show him that you love your wife. Aap apne wife ko love karte hain ye bataiye uss professor ko. I hope Mr. Ram I would have solved your problem. Hahaha.. goodbye..’

And the line went off.

Ragjivanram couldn’t understand most of the talk. All he could understand was ‘kuch mila do unke khane mein’. He was even more confused now. Last evening’s hangover was persistent.

*******

'I really really liked the way he was jealous for his wife. And his english was amazing, What do you think Shahid?'. 

'I cant agree more Neha. And your advice. haha.. was crazy.. Hope the professor would have learnt some lessons coming in and out of the toilet.. hahaha... Lets call him up and let him know he is the winner.'

It was 8.30 pm. The phone in the administrative building rang and was picked up by Ramesh who was the clerk there.

‘Hello, we are calling up from Radio Masti. Can we talk to Mr. Ragjivanram. He is the contest winner of the April Fool’s Day contest we held this morning. Can you please put me to him.’

‘What contest? Ragjivanram not here. We have had a crime in the Institute. Somebody has poisoned Professor Dayal today. Police says somebody mixed poison in his food. Please call later. I will tell Ragjivanram. Bye’

At Radio Masti, Neha’s face had lost its colour.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda

Jealous?? Yes I am.

Jealous?? Yes I am.

Not just because 'She' shares you with me

But various other facets of you that once belonged only to me

Jealous?? Yes, I am.

Coz she can see you all through the day

When you walk-in looking bright in the morning

Till you leave tired right at the end of the day

Jealous?? Yes, I am.

Coz she sees you flustered in humid May

Wet in the July rain

And warm within your jackets in cold December days

Jealous?? Yes, I am.

Coz she can come over for friendly chat

Or talk to you about her problems with this and that

Jealous?? Yes, I am.

Coz she sees you working animatedly on your screen

Observing sweat beads on your forehead while you seem lost in thoughts so deep

Jealous?? Yes, I am.

Coz she can see you when worry takes over

And lend her shoulder for you to lean over    

Jealous?? Yes, I am.

Coz she smells ‘your’ smell

The heady mixture that in my mind still dwells

Jealous?? Yes, I am.

Coz she can see the smile on your face

And hear the peals of your laughter as the joy in your heart emanates

Jealous?? Yes, I am.

Coz she can listen to your anecdotes every now and then

And shares your time again and again

Jealous?? Yes, I am.

For millions of things you wouldn’t have thought

For those umpteen silly reasons for which we have fought  

You think jealousy is the darker shade of me

But that’s what for me ‘belongingness’ means

Worry, when I stop being jealous

Coz that’s the day when nothing’s gonna matter anymore to me.. 

The Game Has Changed..

And before I knew it, I had hit ‘Send’.

My feelings changed from fear to joy to ecstasy to relief, right in that order. Fear

because I was peeking into the laptop of 39 year old Ram Maheshwari – the next candidate pegged for the position of Prime Minister when he was in a shower, Joy because I had finally found the data about his Swiss bank account details where all his black money was deposited, Ecstasy because my hard work or call it risking my life finally paid off and Relief because I was still alive and would be free from this operation just as I leave this house.

I quickly switched off the laptop and went to the table for preparing his black coffee which he always had after the shower. While preparing his coffee, flashes of last three and half years swam through my eyes.

Right from winning the Secretary General elections of the University where this journey all began till today when I had become the most trusted aide of Ram Maheshwari. Could anybody have thought that this journey was not a mere coincidence but a well laid plan. A plan which began when Narayan Kumar approached me after I had defeated his only son, the coveted Riddhish Kumar in the Secretary General elections of the University. The results of the Secretary General elections were the biggest upset for the Kumar’s party since he was vying for beginning the political journey of his son.

I don’t know what Narayan Kumar saw in me when he came to meet me after the elections where he offered me to join hands with him, though not openly. And in return, I was to be the Chief Ministerial candidate for his party. And thus began a journey. A journey of deceit, a journey of unfaithfulness and faithfulness and a journey where risk and rewards knew no bounds.

Narayan Kumar, the mastermind behind this plan and the biggest political rival of Ram Maheshwari was my political mentor who guided me step by step for reaching closest to Ram Maheshwari so that I could unravel all his political plans and provide them to Narayan Kumar.

My open challenges and my dislike about Narayan Kumar’s party during college years, getting noticed in the eyes of Ram Maheswari’s People’s party, the proposal of People’s party to join hands with them, my hard work in party’s office, the big furor I created in Party office when I came to know about embezzlement of funds by some Party workers just to get noticed in the eyes of Ram Maheshwari, my threat to walk out of the Party and inform media about the embezzlement if I am not allowed to meet Ram, my meeting with him, my maneuvering of the meeting in a way so that he asks me to work directly with him, the so called planned love affair between us and the umpteen amount of twists and turns after that, were nothing but planned. A well thought and a well-executed plan. A plan whose result was going to change the political history of this country.

When I hand over the information I just mailed to myself to Narayan Kumar, the path would be laid for him becoming the next Prime Minister, I becoming the next Chief Minister and Ram Maheshwari becoming the biggest political debacle of this country.

As a devilish grin spread across my face, I saw Ram come out of shower. I handed him his black coffee and went into the shower myself. When I came out, my green tea was laid. I finish my tea and we both get ready hurriedly. Ram would be leaving for his tour and I would go and meet Narayan Kumar.

Slowly, I see sweat beads appearing on my forehead and feel my limbs getting loose. My head gets dizzier and I sit down on the chair holding my head. Ram is standing next to me. I feel nauseated. I see his eyes writhing with anger. I ask him to call the doctor. He doesn’t respond. My eyes droop.  

I faintly hear him say, “Niharika Singh, what the hell do you think of yourself? You would walk out alive from here after stealing my data? Do you think I was a fool enough to use the laptop without any security features?

I try hard to open my eyes. I can’t. I realize the game has changed. Breathing heavily, I ask: ‘How?’

‘Just as you sent a mail from this laptop, I received a message saying that this laptop has been used. And after that it was just a cakewalk to find out what a bitch have you been!!!’ he speaks gritting his teeth.

I feel a hard punch on my stomach and everything blanks out. 

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda

Dreaded Delhi Trip !!

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I have been asked by my organization to attend a meeting which is to be held in Delhi. Delhi !! Yes, Delhi.. dreaded Delhi.. I had been there for the same meeting last year in March. But this year, things are different.

Image Source: Google

Because between March last year and September this year, there was a month called December 2012. And in that December, there was a date - 16^th December. The unfortunate date. Yes, I think you now know why am I dreading Delhi? Why is my family dreading to send me to Delhi. Their concerns are well placed. After all its Delhi :0 Delhiiiii.. The dreaded Delhi..

And guess what’s icing on the cake? I just saw an episode of Crime Patrol showing the same unfortunate incident. My skin crawled on seeing the cruelty inflicted on Nirbhaya. (May her soul rest in peace!) My eyes were filled with tears. My mum cried too.

And fear? Fear raised its ugly hood throwing some real ugly doubts towards me. This is the conversation I had with it:

Fear:	So, you are going to Delhi, haan?
Me (meekly):	Yes I am.
Fear:	Ahaan, Did you just not see the Nirbhaya incident. Who would have thought about such an incident happening. You think you would be safe in DELHI?
Me:	I guess, I should be fine. I just have a day trip and I would be back by evening. It’s not that I am going to stay there or something. I hardly have to spend some 5-6 hours out of which most of them would be in the meeting.
Fear:	Ok. And what about travelling? I think you just saw what happened to the girl during travel.
Me:	Oh Shut up. And stop being unreasonable. That happened during night time. I told you I am going to be there during the day. In Broad Daylight, do you get me?
Fear:	But who said, incidents don’t happen during Broad Daylight? Haven’t you read about them?
Me:	Yes I have read about them.
Fear:	So?
Me:	So what? What do you mean to say?
Fear:	I just want to say that anything can happen anytime. Have you thought of being ready for any kind of adversity?
Me:	Adversity?? God!!! I am not going on some warfront. I am just going to visit another city and that too in broad daylight. What adversity do you think can I face in that? And what do you mean by ‘being ready’ ?
Fear:	You never know.
Me:	Okay, Okay.. let me think how can I be ‘ready’ for visiting another State, a State which is the Capital of my country ?
‘Fear’ taps her shoes looking at me while I scratch my head about all the articles related to safety of women that I had read after the incident.
Me:	Okay. From whatever little I know about Delhi, I think would take the metro. No private vehicles. I just downloaded that application on my phone which helps detect the location of the woman on just pressing one key and sends the message to her selected contact numbers. I have a swiss knife with me. I will go and buy a bottle of pepper spray tomorrow. I just listed down the number of people I know in Delhi. Very few I know. But can’t create more ‘Delhi’ friends so soon. I guess that’s about it. What else do you think I can do?
Fear:	Just one thing.
Me:	Yeah, tell me now.
Fear:	Don’t go. After all, its DELHI !!!
Me:	Arrgghhh.. Just shut up. Will you???
Fear:	Your wish darling. I was just helping you.
Me:	Why don’t you just disappear?
Fear:	Lolzzz.. How can I ? I have a permanent residence in the minds and hearts of young girls like you, in the hearts of parents of girls, in the hearts of their family members, their friends. I have a permanent space darling. And I have created this space .. (Laughs out devilishly) I have created this space because you live in such a COUNTRY… a Country that has become a mockery of its own existence.
Me:	Oh Shut up.
Fear:	What a strange Country are you living in? I wonder what phase is your country of more than a billion people going through when a woman, an educated woman, an educated working woman is listening to ‘Fear’ before going to another State and that too for a day trip. And that hapless State happens to be the capital of your Country.
Me:	Speechless.
Fear has a devious smile on his face as if mocking my speechlessness.
Me (to myself) in an almost inaudible tone so that ‘Fear’ wouldn’t hear : Dear Delhi, please become a safe one. Not just for me but for every woman out there. And why just Delhi? My Dear India, please eradicate this ‘Fear’ from the hearts and minds of women, their families, their friends. I really want to sing out the following lines to ‘Fear’ loudly in days to come: Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high Where knowledge is free Where the world has not been broken up into fragments By narrow domestic walls Where words come out from the depth of truth Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit Where the mind is led forward by thee Into ever-widening thought and action Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.                                                               -      Rabindranath Tagore

  

Hopping and Shopping in Future !!

The blissful weekend is here. I look at the clock. It says September 14, 2030 and beeps 11.30 am. With the husband being away for his regular golfing practice and my kiddo at her dancing lessons (yeah, we still pursue these small pleasures like learning to dance) I have all the time to myself.

I walk into my study room to see if the book I bought ten minutes back has downloaded. I open my miniature laptop which is connected to the huge screen on the wall. It has downloaded. I do not like the ‘e-thingy’ too much when it comes to reading but with depleting environment, the Government’s ban to produce more paper seems apt. Sigh!! How I miss the smell of new books! I wonder, if we would have been a little careful in our past regarding Mother Earth, things would have been much better today.

Before I have the pleasure of reading the book, a message pops up. It’s from ‘Onestop’ which basically is a personalized shopping destination website. Everybody has an account on it.

The voice says: This is the reminder you had set for shopping. Login Now?

I remember setting the alarm. I pick up the microphone and speak: “Yes, take me in”.

The website opens with my personal page neatly divided into sections about all the shopping I have done in past. Clothes, Gadgets, Groceries etc etc. Every item under each menu is neatly stacked and connected to the respective online shopping website I have done my shopping from. One tab shows the best deals available for items I have entered into. The page also gives me statistics of any type I want. Amount wise, website wise and other such blah blah blah. Not much of my use though.

I mean, which woman calculates all this? We women are still the same in 2030. We love our shopping no matter where it comes from. Ofcourse, the ways of shopping have changed today.

The voice speaks again:

She:   You told me to remind you about buying a new dress for the upcoming office party. What would you like to buy?

Me:  Well, the theme for the party is ‘Retro’. So why don’t you show me    something we wore back in 2010-15? But before that please order me a      double shot espresso from Starbucks.

She:   Ordered. Proceed towards payment?

Me:    Yes.

My bank account opens and I speak my password to pass the voice recognition test and then the retina scan. I love these security features. No hassles of remembering your passwords and changing them often and no worries about hacking.

She:   The payment has been done. Your double shot espresso from nearest Starbucks outlet will be delivered in next fifteen minutes.

Me:    Good. Let’s go to the dress shopping thing.

She:   Yes. The page at Wikipedia says that saris were a popular choice in Indian wear during the time period you suggested. Would you like to see them?

Me:    Aah.. yes the saris !! Long time since I worn one myself. Show me something in black.

She:   What material would you like to buy them in?

Me:    Organic georgette or Chiffon, may be?

Me:    And yes, do add the weather and water proof feature into it.

She:   Sure. Please wait.

20 seconds later

She:   You have twenty nine options to choose from below.  

Me:    Oops.. that’s too many. We need to reduce the number. Cut the products from those fifteen companies whose percentage share of profits towards nurturing the environment is the least.

          

          Something for the environment, eh? I mutter.

She:   Will Do.

A Message pops up my screen:

 Checking the balance sheets of the companies and their profit utilization towards environment nurturing.

1 minute later.

She:   Here are the remaining choices.

Me:    Cool. Put them one by one in the video trial software.

She:   Yes. Please wait.

A minute later, a video reels and I see myself moving around the screen trying every sari one by one. I just need to press the next button and my image would play showing me how would I look in every sari. I found my choice and pressed the select button.

She:   Taking you to the webpage of ‘Organic India’ and logging into your account.

I complete the payment formalities like earlier and mutter into the microphone: “Well, that’s pretty much done, right?

She:   Yes. But I hope you remember that ‘Husband’ has his birthday up next week? You put a reminder for that as well.

Me:    Er.. Umm.. Ofcourse, I do remember. This forgetting birthdays is ‘Husband’ thing, not the Wifey thing. Got it? Anyways, what should I be buying??? Ummm.. Something related to golf?

She:   ‘Husband’ browsed through the ‘Golf Kits’ section two days ago. Would you like to have a look?

Me:    Is it? How do you know? Eh, ofcourse you would know. You have search histories of everyone of us. Did he ask you anything about my shopping?

She:   You have disabled the history button for your profile for everybody else except you.

(Grinning widely) Oh yes, Me.. smarty pants!! That was indeed a smart move. Lest, Husband dearest would have known what would be my next demand and would have thought a new excuse of avoiding me into buying it. (Yeah, husbands are the same too. Whether its 2013 or 2030. Sigh!!) – I think aloud.

Me:    So, anything particular he liked? - I mutter into the microphone.

She:   Yes. He liked this Golf Kit.

Image Source: Google

Me:    Nice. But how are you sure he liked this?

She:   He browsed through several websites. Compared the prices at ‘Compare.com’ and found this as the best deal. He lasted for 22:06 minutes on this page. Read all the details. Asked me note them down as well. And also put a reminder for buying this next month.

Me:    Well that’s pretty cool. Since it’s from ebay I don’t think there should be any problem buying it. The return policies are amazing. The prices are correct and the service is just perfect. I think I would buy this.

She:   OK. Connecting to your account on ebay.

The formalities on ebay finish smoothly. The golf kit is to be delivered right on the night before Husband’s birthday. And I also put a reminder to inform me if he too orders the same kit. Cool Me. Ain’t I? Ok.. Ok.. Cool ebay, Happy??

She:   Anything else?

Me:    Yeah. I think it’s time to change the curtains of the house. But not now I guess. I would rather go and read my book. Keep a reminder about good deals on various stores. Ping me when there is something worthwhile. You know the budget for the curtains. Right?

She:   Yes, sure. The details of the purchases have been added to your ‘Onestop’ account. Have a good day ahead.

Me:    Yeah, you too.

Ahhh.. This shopping thing is tiring. :P

I hear the doorbell... there comes my Espresso !!!

This post has been written for ‘The Future of Shopping!’ contest, organized by IndiBlogger and eBay.in. The topic of the contest was – Tell us how you imagine shopping to be in the year 2030. Do check out their page at bit.ly/eBayCheck_Extention