Sometimes, it is so sad that the reasons of sadness cease to exist. If you ask yourself the rationale behind that burden, you don’t get an answer. Because they are way too many. And your distractions don’t seem to be helping you either. Even your addictions seem to be behaving stubbornly. Intoxications. And even your ink. Not giving you the kick that you need. A kick to forget things. Atleast haze them out for a while. And you wonder. And you remember.
A crushing heartbreak. That decision you did not take. A well-wishing colleague who backstabbed. Friends who lost touch or did you stop communicating? The claustrophobic feeling you get when you are surrounded by people who you know will never understand an iota of the madness inside you. The voice you did not raise when you had to. The helplessness when you couldn’t ease the pain of somebody you cared for. When you lost your own self worth because you weren’t good enough for somebody else. When the voice of the rebel inside was muffled. Muffled for too long. When the company of some people was so comforting that you just spilled yourself into them only to realize they were refrigerators. Because you never received the warmth back. Anger that went undirected because you were too scared to show it and all you did was burn edges of your own self.
The mundane existence of life and your incapability to change it. Life - that did not turn out to be the way you had imagined, or more importantly, it turned out to be exactly the way you hated it to be. When your life isn’t your own entirely. And you laugh as you write this. Because 'life' is such an overwhelming horizon to talk about, when the fact remains that you are bound by societal rules of what is correct, moral and dutiful even about the way your body should be used, abused or behave.
The insult. The injuries. The wounds and the silent blood. The worst of all – the feeling when you realize that you have stopped wearing your own skin. Or is it other way round. Have you ever worn it? Ever? Questions. Answers to which you know. But rather not say out loud. For they might expose. Vulnerabilities. The cracks within the façade.
Sometimes it all just comes crashing down. Like a pack of cards that collapse at the slightest of a push. May be sometimes it does not even need something as hard as a push; just a slight nudge is enough. Enough for it to collapse. When the reasons cease to exist. Because they are way too many!