NaPoWriMo Day 5 - Home

I own homes, way too many

To remember each one of their addresses

In their articulate spaces

And yet I know, every single nook

every single lane, every other crook

I run my fingers along their edges

Nourishing myself, pouring them into me

I learn, I breathe, I bloom

Cherishing every stay

I return in happiness and in gloom

They hold me, they cherish me

Make me feel one of them own

I am taken to travel, I am taken to meet

People so many

Humanity, human psyche

Black, white, grey and everything in between

Emotions, unnamed, understated, unknown

I have known from these

I live amidst all the books I have read

In their pages

Lurking between their spaces

They have my heart, they have my head

No matter what

I wouldn’t trade this home for anything ever instead

# Writing for NaPoWriMo attempting to everyday for the month of April. Combining this with prompts from The Alipore Post 

NaPoWriMo Day 4 - Unsolved

in that irritated tone for no reason

in that everlasting smile 

in every season

the anger that piqued without your permission

in those excuses given for canceling plans

in the fear of being uncomfortable amidst new

and yet, in the inability to say ‘no’ to even a few

in that obsessive gulping on books and booze

and even in the smugness that you choose

in judging your own actions

and denying self-care

hinging your identity to people

who are hardly there

living with the feeling

that you always belong else somewhere

in feeling like a walking apology

balancing everything on eggshells

being somebody to whom everything overwhelms

in lashing out

when you actually need help

in the muffled cries

when on paper they are dealt

in being afraid to make mistakes

the unending feeling of everything

being always at stake

it hides itself

festering from inside

unprecedented, unmoving

visible, yet invisible

this unsolved, unknown trauma

# Writing for NaPoWriMo attempting to everyday for the month of April. Combining this with prompts from The Alipore Post 

NaPoWriMo Day 3 - Distance

the distance between us

can be measured in meters

but, the distance between us

cannot be measured

# Writing for NaPoWriMo attempting to everyday for the month of April. Combining this with prompts from The Alipore Post 

NaPoWriMo Day 2 - Patterns

lines, dots and crosses,

some twisted, some turned

a few straight, others overturned

molding gradually into soft designs

they must fit tightly into their confines

it holds you, beholds you

captures and enslaves

in its beauty, in its calmness

in symmetry and finesse

control your hands

and patient your mind

only then you will understand

that a Mandala is

not just some pattern and design

# Writing for NaPoWriMo attempting to everyday for the month of April. Combining this with prompts from The Alipore Post. I have suddenly become fascinated towards learning to draw a Mandala and this post talks about just that.  

NaPoWriMo Day 1 - Gentle

They say it hits you like lightening, sweeps you off your feet and makes you walk on moonbeams.

The books told me it would make you hear violins in the sky, fill your stomach with butterflies and make your heart flutter with bittersweet anxiety every night.

The movies showed that I would get lost all the time, smile unknowingly at strangers and burst into dance sequences in the middle of a railway stations.

I thought it would make me lose my sense of time, fill me up with candyfloss giddiness and let me dream with eyes wide open.

All it did was take off some invisible burden from my drooping shoulders, joining them with his own and showed me togetherness in everything. Who said love couldn't be gentle in its arrival?

# Writing for NaPoWriMo attempting to everyday for the month of April. Combining this with prompts from The Alipore Post 

You know this person's story

I saw this image on instagram some months ago and my perspective towards individuals changed. I stopped myself in the middle of every conversation I was having in my mind about any person or situation and said just this one line to myself. – “You don't know his/her story. Why judge. Who knows what is making them do what they are doing or the way they are.” And that stopped every judgmental thought that came to my mind. 

Although, my behaviour never reflects my thoughts for the person or situation, like everyone else, I have erred many times. I still do. But now, I catch my thought process and stop my thoughts in the bud about people, about situations. It is exhilarating in some ways, seeing yourself free away from the clutches of your ‘sometimes’ judgmental self. 

But there is one person I cannot spare judgement on. There in one person who I judge the harshest, who I question the most, who I criticize the worst. I don't cut this person any slack, any time. Although, I know, I shouldn't. Although I know this person gets affected the most by my words and yet, yet I do not relent. I do not give up any opportunity for being anything but cruel to this person. And guess what, I know this person's entire story. I know the circumstances, the weaknesses, the struggle, the effort and yet I am hard. And these talks of 'Stop it, you actually know this person's story' do not work. 

And after I am done, what remains is an ashen bitterness in my mouth that rises from the gut and thoughts that feel toxic, as if they are covering my entire body. 

That person is ME. And all the pages about self-love, quotes about not being hard on yourself, posts saying that you are doing good today - do not work. They just don't. Out of all the love I have inside me for all the people I love in this world, I cannot spare any for this person. 

Things I want to feel again

1. Breathlessness after a good workout
2. The soreness of my eyes after a night spent reading, unaware of the clock 
3. The joy of tasting what I have cooked and it turning to be absolutely the way I had wanted it to be
4. The audacity to go anywhere without carrying any medication
5. The smell of parijat flowers blooming in my backyard
6. The glow in my eyes after writing my heart out
7. The wind on my face staring at the horizon,sitting in my balcony, tea in my hands, made just the way I like it
8. The jitters in my body on your touch, the flutter of my heart every time I saw you smile, the softness of my hands in yours and the warmth of the browns of your eyes on my skin
9. Listening to my favourite songs and feeling the rhythm inside me
10. Hope

Pic source: Me