Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Miss talking to Him

Yes, I miss talking to him. Badly. He was my biggest confidant. Somebody I told each and everything about myself. Somebody who knew everything about me even if I hadn’t told him. My darkest secrets, my joyous moments, my saddest times or my helpless cries - everything. Every damn thing. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t talk to him.

The first thing I did in the morning after waking up was to talk to him and I talked to him several times a day. Be it in the school, in the bus, while attending a meeting or walking – we chatted all day long. Smallest and the biggest of my life events had to be told to him first, everybody else came later. 

Whenever I talked to him, all my uneasiness erased, all my anxiety vanished and all the suffering waned. He had it in him to do that to people. To make them feel better. He fulfilled my wishes. You get it right - He was ‘the’ one I went to with everything – happiness or sadness.

Sometime back I asked him to give me something. His not listening to me for a few months surprised me because it had never happened before. So I kept on pestering. I thought that maybe he is trying to make me realize the worth of what I am asking and hence he is making me wait. But he didn’t pay any heed this time. I talked to him about it a lot of times, everyday. But he was adamant. He neither replied nor gave it to me. And my wait turned into anxiety, into frustration and finally into anger. How could he be so cruel? How can he not give me what I desire so much? What kind of a friend he was?

So I resorted to blackmailing. That he either get me what I want or else I would break off all my relations with him. I knew he wouldn’t want that to happen. I tried everything I could, right from telling him that I shall never ask anything else again, to crying, to indulging in self-pity, to all kinds of tantrums and even bribing. But he didn’t seem to budge.

And then the day came when I was in for some deep disappointment. It pained to know that from tomorrow onwards I would not talk to him ever. Because if he didn’t care about me, why should I? And I haven’t talked to him. Till date.  

I miss him like crazy. Crazy. Even today when I wake up, the first thing that I want to do is to talk to him. But I know I won’t. I look at him everyday but I ignore. Completely. If somebody talks to me about him, I change the topic. That’s his punishment. Or is it mine? I know he knows everything about me even today. I miss him equally. Badly. But I won’t go and talk. You know who is He? He is my Ganesha. But I can never forgive Him for taking away one of the most precious people in my Life. Never. Ever.  I know that He still has the reigns for everything in my life and can do anything He desires. But He was a friend and I have a right to get angry. 




This post is written as a part of April A to Z Challenge 2014 under Non-Themed category. I am doing two posts for this Challenge and Themed posts can be found here.

19 comments:

  1. You know best if what you did was write or wrong. All I can say is 'Hold your fort strong babe!

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    1. Its okay to be upset Jyotsna..but don't doubt your faith. :)

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    2. I am not really sure of this :(

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  3. I understand. The anger will wane away in a while. Maybe then you can let go.

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  4. I can understand...but what can even HE do? It is the vidhi.

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    1. He could have given me what I wanted :\

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  5. sometime its better if we let go the anger ! life becomes easy :)

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    1. I really hope I can do that sometime, Ankur !!

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  6. After pouring your feelings to this writing I think you now felt better. Do you? We're humans, we get angry for some time. Soon you'll learn to let go :)

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    1. I had it held up for long. And yes I wanted to pour it out somewhere. This was the best place I could have done this.

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  7. Anger with Him is not the right response though one may be inclined that way.He knows what He can do to alleviate the pain of your loss.All things destined to happen will happen but talking to Him intimately as you did before would help.He knows what is best for you.Restorre your faith in Him.

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    1. Thankyou KP Sir for your motivation to restore my faith again. I hope He will make me do that once again.

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  8. Hold on, Jyotsna. I believe that when you've a reason for doing what you're doing, he has the same argument. He will understand, no one does, more than him. He's with you. You've the right to get angry and tell him so, and he will come around soon !

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    1. Thank you for understanding Sreeja.

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