The 'Attachments'

You can't save me. Nobody can. I know you are concerned. I can sense that concern in your actions and words; sometimes words aren’t even necessary. I can sense that in the way you look at me when I say something really casual. But that 'casual' has deeper meanings which mostly people around don’t understand. But fortunately or otherwise, you do.

I also know you are attached. So am I. But that's the word I dread these days. 'Attachment'. You know why? Coz it weakens me. This 'attachment'. For people, this sense of attachment becomes their strength. It was mine too; at one point of time. Not anymore though. Every attachment weakens me today. Because of my inherent nature, I have the habit of holding my 'attachments' fervently, carefully weaving them in my thoughts and life, making a brilliant pattern out of them and with them, the one that only I can understand and admire. But I also know they are weak links inside me. I become undone like any woolen fabric when you pull a string of its intricately woven design. Because, every string is attached to another and it is the combined strength of these strings that hold the fabric together. My 'attachments' hold me too. But every single 'attachment' I seem to have is also like that string in the woolen fabric which has the power to pull me apart. And I dread, that at the end of it all, I am going to be nothing but a quagmire of unwoven strings, messed in itself to an extent where it becomes almost impossible to untangle it, to make any sense or purpose out of it.

I know you want to help me. But you shouldn’t. I have to fight my own battles. I have fought them till now. I know I haven’t won all of them. But I have fought, sometimes thoughtfully and sometimes otherwise. And I shall continue them. 

Besides, there is not a long way to go anymore. The destination lurks nearby. I can sense it, feel it, maybe I would be able to see it soon. But before I reach there, I need to pull all my strings back to myself, start the process of detachment and stop letting myself getting undone anymore. Because when it is time to leave, I do not wish to be held back by the combined strength of these strings.      

Written for Three Word Wednesday Week No. 407 – Brilliant, Fervent, Thoughtful

Near - Haiku

his eyes follow mine 

feel him nearer than ever

amidst the thick crowd

Written for Haiku Horizons Prompt # 44 – NEAR

When reasons cease to exist !!

Sometimes, it is so sad that the reasons of sadness cease to exist. If you ask yourself the rationale behind that burden, you don’t get an answer. Because they are way too many. And your distractions don’t seem to be helping you either. Even your addictions seem to be behaving stubbornly. Intoxications. And even your ink. Not giving you the kick that you need. A kick to forget things. Atleast haze them out for a while. And you wonder. And you remember.

A crushing heartbreak. That decision you did not take. A well-wishing colleague who backstabbed. Friends who lost touch or did you stop communicating? The claustrophobic feeling you get when you are surrounded by people who you know will never understand an iota of the madness inside you. The voice you did not raise when you had to. The helplessness when you couldn’t ease the pain of somebody you cared for. When you lost your own self worth because you weren’t good enough for somebody else. When the voice of the rebel inside was muffled. Muffled for too long. When the company of some people was so comforting that you just spilled yourself into them only to realize they were refrigerators. Because you never received the warmth back. Anger that went undirected because you were too scared to show it and all you did was burn edges of your own self.

The mundane existence of life and your incapability to change it. Life - that did not turn out to be the way you had imagined, or more importantly, it turned out to be exactly the way you hated it to be. When your life isn’t your own entirely. And you laugh as you write this. Because 'life' is such an overwhelming horizon to talk about, when the fact remains that you are bound by societal rules of what is correct, moral and dutiful even about the way your body should be used, abused or behave.

The insult. The injuries. The wounds and the silent blood. The worst of all – the feeling when you realize that you have stopped wearing your own skin. Or is it other way round. Have you ever worn it? Ever? Questions. Answers to which you know. But rather not say out loud. For they might expose. Vulnerabilities. The cracks within the façade.  

Sometimes it all just comes crashing down. Like a pack of cards that collapse at the slightest of a push. May be sometimes it does not even need something as hard as a push; just a slight nudge is enough. Enough for it to collapse. When the reasons cease to exist. Because they are way too many!

Heaven !!

when they finally met

vodka swam in air

and friendship was poured in

glass after glass 

he the regular

she was a newbie

and nothingness breathed in

with a feeling

of getting drowned

in music

and intoxication too

wrapped in the blanket

of comfort zone

that grew cozier everyday

when their inhibitions

went on a brief holiday

words flew

or maybe not

when stillness

felt like a warm embrace

hours slipped by

in a matter of minutes

and they wished

the night would stop by 

with an unending supply

of alchohol and music

and nothingness to breathe in

and breathe out

because what else would they call?

heaven

if it was not this !  

Alone

Sometimes it gets lonely. So lonely that it feels as if I’m the only person on this planet. Alone. Totally alone. And on such nights, it is only the loneliness that talks to me. Talks to me in a language that just the two of us can understand! Because it has been my companion. Since long! It talks. And while it talks, it transports me. It transports me to a bygone era. An era where a part of me, or wait; the whole me lives. Still. The funny thing being that this loneliness wasn’t in sight then. Today, it enwraps me like air and the irony is that it feels exactly like lack of it. A complete blackout; not of light, but of my emotions. Or maybe not. Because at such times, the only emotion I can feel is ‘YOU’.  

Written for Magpie Tales # 246

Dawn : Haiku

lost in penning rhymes

silently time tiptoes by

dawn arrives at door

Written for Haiku Horizons Prompt # 37 – DAWN

When you learn ...

naïve you walk

open hearted

true to self, true to all

walls around your heart

you don’t grow

visible everything in your eyes

happiness and sorrow

you speak

speak your deepest thoughts

in what you believe

and, sometimes what others made you see

in front of those

who you thought were your own

unknowing, unaware

that you are being judged

opinions 

true, false and half baked

being formed

to be used against you

when time is ripe

when you differ

to their ideas of conformity

after all, one and all around

are looking for nothing

but an echo of their opinions

and you sit and wonder

at your candor

or stupidity to be true

because your guards were never in place

open hearted

true to self, true to all

you have been

but there are times

when you start to unlearn

in what you believed

and when you begin to disbelieve

what you had learnt

that’s when your walls begin to grow

when seeds of trust

only in yourself

you learn to sow

Image Source : Google

Shard with dVerse - Open Link Night

His Smile

Still remember the day

I first noticed

His Smile

From lips to eyes

Reached in no time

It also beckoned mine

Warm, compassionate

He wore

His Smile

Dripped with positivity

Made our meet

Worthwhile

After mild rain

Like rainbows one could see

His Smile

Could make air around

Seem pleasant

For a little while

Melting Chocolate

On a warm winter morning

His smile

Like a walk in clouds

Sadness it could drive away

Atleast a mile

Always aware he's been

Of the mystic spell in

His smile

Gripping hearts

Many, till date

It beguiled

Enticed I am

Await to see everytime

His Disarming Smile

Hope it stays afloat forever

Sprinkling happiness

In his innate style! 

Release - Haiku

fighting the mundane

dragging it day after day

that’s what they call life

that’s what they call life

crib, complain and go to sleep

wake up, follow same

wake up, follow same

play the game, as we all await

day of release

Written for Haiku Horizons Prompt # 35 – RELEASE  

A New Life !!

Reva looked at things scattered in the shop that opened in fifteen days. She wanted everything to go well. After all, it was a new lease of life that she had almost snatched from destiny after being duped into marriage to a psycho. Divorce was hard. Even harder was the pressure of being independent. She wasn’t educated but was creative. That’s what she decided to do. Use her talent for turning scrap and mundane things into unusual and beautiful interior decoration pieces. Who would have known that a hobby picked up randomly would be her bread and butter one day!

Written for the photo prompt for this week's Friday Fictioneers

Five Sentence Fiction - Hunger

‘Come on sweetheart, she has been waiting for you since morning and look at you, trying to turn your eyes away from her, trying to run away, I mean what are you even thinking?’

‘I can’t, I just can’t do it however hard she tries to beckon me with that sexy voice of hers. I am not going back to her because I am not falling into her trap again and your trap again.’

‘I am not laying any trap for you and you better get that straight in your head that whatever I ask you to do is for your own benefit.’

‘No, my dear stomach, right now what you are asking me to do is not for my benefit because right now you are not hungry but just plain bored so stop growling since it’s not lunch time yet and I am not going to eat that cookie lying in the drawer however hard you try to persuade me.’

Written for Five Sentence Fiction - Hunger

Sip by Sip.. Drop by Drop..

Sip by Sip

Drop by Drop

You drain me, You strain me

I talk, I blabber

I go on a rampage of meaningless chatter

A part of me nestles within you

I somehow now settle within you

Sip by Sip

Drop by Drop

You drain me, You strain me

Pouring myself out

I feel emptied without a doubt

Happiness, Worries, Hopes and Fears

I almost even showed you my tears

Sip by Sip

Drop by Drop

You drain me, You strain me

Vulnerable I so feel

My brokenness before you I peeled

Past fears grow up as I let my guards go down

Damn! I sometimes end up feeling like a clown

Sip by Sip

Drop by Drop

You drain me, You strain me

I fear you would know me

I fear you would grow upon me

Raw, unguarded you make me feel

Everytime I talk; everytime with you I deal

Sip by Sip

Drop by Drop

You drain me, You strain me

Alas! a part of you never walked upto me

Your guards I know are harder than steel

I wish I could learn that from you

How you never give anybody a feeblest clue

Mystery I prefer to remain

My aloofness I wish to sustain

My own intentions you make me doubt

Of my own shackles you make me want to break out

Sip by Sip

Drop by Drop

I see myself getting drained out !!

Image Source : Google

Rational Me Vs. Emotional Me

Dear Niharika,

Did you notice that I just called you Niharika and not what I used to call you? I am improving, right? Well, I know you might be rolling your eyes on seeing my mail again. I know you have warned me against doing this, but this is just the only way left for me to connect to you, to feel closer to you. I also know, you would be wondering why do I keep on contacting you intermittently. Why is it that I message you continuously for days together and then sometimes I vanish without a trace, becoming non-existent from your life? I know you would be thanking your stars on such days, isn’t it? Thanking God that may be this time I am gone forever. May be from this time, I won’t trouble you anymore. Well, to be honest with you, even I am baffled with my own self these days. 

I tried to think this out. Tried to reason out with myself that why can’t I just let you be? Why do I still have to contact you again and again when everything between us is past tense!

I tried to introspect and I realized that I am in a constant struggle. Struggle within my own self! A constant battle that brews within me. A battle of ‘Rational Me’ vs. ‘Emotional Me’. Let me explain what I mean.

At times, when I vanish from your life, giving you relief that I might have moved on (as you have always wanted), it is the ‘Rational Me’ that overpowers the ‘Emotional Me’. In that battle ground, the ‘Rational Me’ hits the ‘Emotional Me’ with choicest of harsh words wounding the ‘Emotional Me’ badly. The ‘Rational Me’ wishes that the ‘Emotional Me’ dies permanently. It says that there is no place for ‘Emotional Me’ in this world that runs on logic. On such days, the ‘Emotional Me’ bleeds. Tears and Memories! It is quieted.

The ‘Rational Me’ goes on to remind the ‘Emotional Me’ of the struggles the ‘Entire Me’ is going through since the day we decided to split. Wait. Since the day 'you' decided to split for the reason, I am yet to know. It says that you do not love me anymore. It says that whatever we had is over and it would never be back. It says that you have moved on. Or rather moved away from me and it doesn’t seem that you are ever going to be on your way back. It says that your heart doesn't recognize my heart anymore. 

The ‘Rational me’ is successful at almost killing the ‘Emotional me’. It writhes in pain, unable to get up, unable to pump life anymore. And it is during such times that you get lucky and don't receive any harassment from my side. Yes, I am calling it harassment myself. I know you call me the same now.

But then, every aspect has its own strengths. The ‘Emotional Me’ while suffering in pain remembers all the wrong incidents so that it can start believing that you are never coming back, that ‘we’ is never happening again. But while remembering all those wrong incidents, it recalls all the ‘right’ incidents too. 

The ‘Emotional Me’, starts believing that whatever was there between us cannot die so soon. How can something die when it was meant to be 'forever'? But the ‘Emotional Me’ doesn’t know that ‘forever’ is nothing but a sham. The ‘Foolish Me’ (yes, that is what I would prefer calling the ‘Emotional Me’) believes in the strength of that thing called ‘love’. It believes that if this heart calls you earnestly, with all its honesty, your heart would listen. And not only would it listen, it would reply too. 

And it is in this state that the ‘Foolish Me’ contacts you again. Sending you texts, mails and old pictures thinking that they would touch your heart's strings the way it touched when I had sent them to you earlier. The way it touches me, even today. Every single time I see them.  

Image Source : Google

But, you know what, when you reply with harsh words or worse, when you don't even care to reply at all, the ‘Rational Me’ laughs. Oh boy, it laughs. Hysterically, mockingly and sarcastically at the foolishness of the ‘Foolish Me’. It laughs till the time the ‘Foolish Me’ is in tears. It gets mocked cruelly and brutally by the ‘Rational Me’ who repeats 'See, I told you, but you won’t listen. And now when she hasn't even replied to you, why don’t you just go die somewhere!’ 

And that is how the ‘Rational Me’ knocks down the ‘Emotional Me’ again. And thus continues the cycle. The vicious cycle. The vicious cycle of my destruction! I wish this cycle stops itself before it destroys me completely. See, that's how, you are unlucky some days and at times you just get lucky.

At the end, I can just feel sorry for the ‘Emotional Me’, oops, sorry, the ‘Foolish Me’ and for all the troubles that you go through because of Me. Today is just one of your unlucky days. You would have guessed that by now.

Could you just pray that the ‘Emotional Me’ dies soon. Permanently!

 Once (may be always) Yours,

Anuj

Cemetery - Haiku

bridge of hope it once was

love, dreams and happiness

blossomed on its path

blossomed on its path

brought togetherness to life

new moon day it was

new moon day it was

she never knew, that its light

would drain, drop by drop

would drain, drop by drop

leaving traces of darkness

below her cold feet

below her cold feet

turns that bridge

into cemetery of feelings

Written for Carpe Diem # 555 - CEMETERY

What if I run into you someday ?

Dear Someone,

Strange! Strange that we live in the same city, walk the same streets, cross the same traffic signals, see the same buildings, may be even visit same restaurants; every single day. And yet we have never crossed each other. Never. In all these years. In all these years, I have met people I have not wanted to meet. People have run into me at wrong times at all wrong places. But we? We have never run into each other. Never!

Sometimes I wonder if we live in such a huge city that we have never been able to meet coincidently. Is the city so painfully big that we never cross each other? I never realized the vastness of our city earlier. It wasn’t that huge when you came all the way to meet me from one end of the city to another. It wasn’t even that painful to travel to meet you every weekend. I don’t remember myself complaining about the journey ever. Was it because that journey ended in me seeing you? Maybe!

I have inkling that destiny is playing its part? Purposely not letting us cross each. Purposely holding us. Away from each other. May be because it knows the future already!

But, who knows, that maybe, maybe, last Saturday I sat at the same table in that restaurant after you left. Was that the reason I unconsciously chose that table inspite of having an empty table nearer to me? Were those fragments of your empty frame on that table that had tugged my heart for a brief moment at that time? Was that the reason that the waiter stared at me a little longer; maybe he too was recalling the times we went there together and recalling the arguments we had while ordering? Did he recognize the fact that we came one after another and not together anymore? Maybe he did.

Or maybe we sat through the same movie show. Of course, in different rows and of course with different people. I wouldn’t have noticed you in the darkness of that movie hall. The same kind of darkness that engulfs this heart everytime it realizes the fact its beats are no longer heard.

Who knows that you would have just crossed the same street just a few minutes earlier than me? Is that that reason why the air in some streets seem heavy to me without reason. No, may be not heavy. May be it just smells different. As if my senses recognize you. Still. Still.    

Sometimes, I wonder what if I run into you someday. What if, we actually come

across each other at that street passing near your office where I walked down to meet me you or what if you visit at the same time that swanky coffee shop (which you hated and I loved; although I do not know the reason as to why would you visit that place without me forcing you to tag along) or that shopping mall where I spent hours; not leaving the place unless boredom showed on your face and you threatened to leave me there right away which I was pretty sure you never would and you never did.

What would happen then?

Would you recognize me still? I hope you recognize me. I know you would. I would recognize you in the sea of faces around. In this lifetime for sure. May be in another too. Recognize me, ok? Coz I would.

Would you be formal and just say hi or meet me the way you met me earlier? With a hug. Would you hug me the way you hugged earlier? I hope you hug me. I know you would hug me. And I hope you hug me a little longer than usual as if filling in for all those days when you haven’t. Would that hug fill our hearts with the same warmth as it did earlier? Mine would. I hope it does the same to you. Hug me, ok? Coz I would.

Would you smile at me or feel awkward seeing me after such a long time. Painfully long time. For me, I guess. I hope you smile at me. I know you would smile at me. The smile that creates a dimple on one side of your cheek. Smile, ok? Coz, I would.

Would you talk to me in that same nonchalant manner? I hope you talk to me like that. I know you would. Would you ask me how I am doing? Without you? No. No, wait. Don’t ask me that. What if I am honest in my answer to that question? Please don’t ask me that question. Don’t ask, ok? Coz I fear what if I ask you the same question, and what if you too answer it honestly.   

Would you say goodbye a little too soon. I hope you don’t. I know you wouldn’t. No wait. Say goodbye soon. I wouldn’t want you to see my tears. I wouldn’t. But wait. You didn’t see them earlier and you wouldn’t see them now. Say goodbye at the earliest, ok? Coz I would.

You know what; I did run into you at that street near your home a few days ago. Just that it was only me who noticed you. Just me. No, I wasn’t hoping to run into you that day. I don’t remember hoping to run into you that day. I just remember that it rained that day. It rained !! After I ran into you.